Here’s a clip with Chana in an Imago Therapy session online with a couple who was about to practice the “Parent-Child Dialogue,” a communication technique in Imago Relationship Therapy.
This is not about parent-shaming or parent-blaming, this is about our felt experience. As parents we know that we cannot be perfect. Some of our children may experience us giving them too much attention or not enough attention, and as parents, we do our best. So again, the focus of this dialogue is your felt experience.
Through Imago Relationship Therapy sessions with Chana, couples will learn new (and affective) ways to communicate so that both partners’ realities can be fully expressed and understood.
IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY TEACHES COUPLES HOW TO:
examine each childhood upbringing & how this formed their ‘Imago’
resolve conflict by understanding/empathizing each’s needs/desires
create a successful and gratifying plan for the future for you as a couple
“As a certified Imago therapist, I love what I do. My specialty is relationships. I deal with a variety of people, whether it is navigating couples’ challenging relationships, separation, blended families, or geriatrics. I feel the variety of many issues keeps my skills sharp.”
“Imago” is the Latin word for “Image” – specifically, your image of love.
Many of us choose a partner subconsciously to attempt to recreate frustrating situations from our past so that we can solve and heal unwanted relationship patterns.
Imago Relationship Therapy uses frustration / conflict as a way to lead to healing – and ultimately a closer, more meaningful relationship.
Couples Therapy:
You won’t always know what your partner needs, nor can they fully know what you need without communicating it. Through Imago Relationship Therapy sessions with Chana, couples will learn new (and affective) ways to communicate so that both partners’ realities can be fully expressed and understood.
IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY TEACHES COUPLES HOW TO:
examine each childhood upbringing and how this has formed their ‘Imago’
resolve conflict by understanding/empathizing each’s needs/desires
create a successful and gratifying plan for the future for you as a couple
Imago relationship therapy is designed to help partners / friends / colleagues / family members work out misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and rediscover ways to bond.
Individual Therapy & Paired Therapy Available Also
Relationships Are Complex. Learn To Manage Your Partnership With Confidence.
West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist office is located at:
422 Berrywood Ct., West Hempstead, New York 11552
Other locations available in Miller Place, NY (Holistic Counseling Center of Long Island with David Weber, LCSW) and Huntington, NY (Huntington Relationship Center with Robin Newman, LCSW).
Detachment from a person / situation can best be described as a process of letting go. It’s not easy; it takes some time to learn how to do it. But with a little practice, you may experience your anxiety subsiding and your relationships becoming more fulfilling.
The process of detachment will help you lead a happier life overall.
Many people are attached to relationships, money, social status, jobs, and more. Basically, anything you can use to describe who you are can be a sign of attachment. I might say: I am a blonde, mother, wife, daughter, and sister who is physically healthy and socially vibrant. I am a teacher, a writer, a speaker, and a student. However, if my brother dies and I was no longer a sister, I am still me. If I change what I do and stop writing, I am still me.
1. Observe your mind: Become aware of what kind of thoughts you habitually think. What things or descriptors do you identify with most? Become a student of self and heighten your awareness of where attachment happens more frequently for you. Recognize attachment comes with an emotional charge. Notice where you feel this in your physical body. It’s different for each individual and learning your patterns is a useful tool in creating change.
2. Distinguish between ego and actuality: Your ego might tell you that not getting the job you want has ruined your career. The actuality is: you are disappointed because you didn’t get something you wanted. Nothing has changed except your thoughts about your future potential. The actual situation is the same as it was prior to not getting the job and you can still advance your career.
3. Embrace uncertainty: Only a willingness to embrace the unknown provides security. What Deepak Chopra says about detachment: “Those who seek security in the exterior world chase it for a lifetime. By letting go of your attachment to the illusion of security, which is really an attachment to the known, you step into the field of all possibilities. This is where you will find true happiness, abundance, and fulfillment.”
4. Meditate on it: Meditation is a vehicle to help your mind release patterns of thought and action that no longer serve you. Spend some time in meditation each day and watch how the patterns in your life begin to change.
5. Don’t beat yourself up for falling into old habits: The first step in making change is recognizing what it is you want to change. Instead of getting frustrated/disappointed when you fall back into an old habit, celebrate that you are now noticing when you repeat the pattern of thought/habit. In time, this will allow you to transform your behavior.
Complicated feelings typically arise during the holidays under any circumstance, but struggling with feelings of grief can make this time even more challenging. Grief counselor Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, can give you the support you need to get through the holidays with grace.
Holidays are difficult for people who’ve experienced the death of a loved one.
Any type of sound, sight and/or smell can trigger feelings of sadness, anger, emptiness, anxiety… the list goes on.
While you can’t change the situation for what it is, what you can control is your inner state of being. Does this mean not crying or feeling down? Of course not. Let yourself cry if you need it. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
What you can control during times of grief is how you take care of your body & mind, so be realistic in your expectations during this time.
Grief can consume most of your physical and emotional energy no matter what the season. The holidays place additional demands and stress on your life. Respect what your body / mind is telling you. If you feel tired, take care of yourself as if you were physically sick. The mind and body work together.
It’s important to be aware of your limitations so you don’t overextend yourself, causing more stress. Consider changing your traditions to reduce stress. Limit social / family commitments to suit your available energy. Re-evaluate priorities and forego unnecessary activities and obligations. Keeping busy may distract you from your grief temporarily, but it may increase your stress too.
Handling the Holidays – Grief Counseling Services in Nassau County, New York.
There is no right way to move through this time of year, but it can be helpful to think about what values, traditions, and memories you want to share. Remember that grief has no expiration date— it is okay to feel how you feel.
Self-care and mindfulness are vital tools in navigating the holidays. Give yourself permission to rest. Allow feelings to come and go; the holidays don’t need to be perfect (they won’t be), so be gentle with yourself.
CHANA PFEIFER provides guidance & support so that you can find peace throughout the holiday season.
Here is an example of how conversational dialogue in Imago Relationship Therapy works. This type of dialogue can be applied to appreciations, like in this video, and also for dealing with disagreements. It can be used for couples and also for any type of relationship.
One thing I appreciate about you as a partner / spouse / significant other:
First, Leora makes an appointment with Igor:
“I’d like to dialogue with you about an appreciation I have for you, is now a good time?”
After Leora finishes her statement, Igor repeats what he hears back to her:
“What I’m hearing you say is _______________________. Did I get that?
Leora then has a chance to say whether or not Igor received her message the right way. She responds with a yes or no.
Igor then asks:
Is there more?”
This gives Leora a chance to elaborate if she feels there’s more to say.
Igor then repeats the new information back to confirm that he heard her message correctly.
That’s about it in regards to the basics of conversational dialogue in Imago Relationship Therapy.
This lets the speakers feel heard and the listeners learn how to fully hear what their partner is saying. After the speaker is done, the roles switch and now the listener has a chance to talk.
Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, interviewed on Business Talk Radio
Chana Pfeifer has been a therapist for over 24 years and specializes in relationships.
Her specific training is called Imago Relationship Therapy created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. She ‘tripped’ over the approach when she was miserably married and going through 5 different couples’ therapists.
Below are a questions answered by Chana on Business Talk Radio:
How has the COVID-19 pandemic affected your business?
I’ll confess.. I have hated Zoom in some ways. There’s nothing like an energetic exchange with a live person, but Zoom has allowed me to work through the pandemic. I’m teaching a college class to 7 girls via Zoom and I’m pleasantly surprised how well it’s going (from my perspective).
Us therapists are struggling with sitting with uncertainty & all the same issues our clients are suffering with.
Self care is REALLY hard during these times, and finding safe ways to take care of ourselves is essential.
Where do you see yourself in the near future?
One day I hope to resume my plans of doing premarital workshops so that we do a preventative work. For a drivers license, a person needs a written and practical test yet for a marriage, we just need a license. Most of us have not grown up in healthy relationships and I believe we can all use relationship training. I really believe this can prevent tremendous pain. I’m really grateful for what I’ve learned and how I can help people show up differently.
Chana sees adults live in her indoor / outdoor offices with social distancing, and also on Zoom & FaceTime.
Chana’s business locations are in Nassau County, NY
(two offices: one in West Hempstead & one in Cedarhurst, NY)
What’s your best advice for couples who are separating or divorcing with children?
It’s important to focus on the children.
It doesn’t matter whether they are little kids or adults. No matter what, when we get divorced, we will always be their parents – whether the other parent is in their life everyday or whether they’re not. Our children need us to support that both of us are still their parents.
I’ll never forget when my daughter was about 7 or 8 years old (I was careful never to say anything negative about her father), she noticed a look on my face and she asked me, “Mommy, why do you have such an ugly look on your face when you talk to Daddy?” I was really flabbergasted because here I thought I was doing a great job of not badmouthing him or alienating him, but she saw my body language and that still had an impact on her.
Even though we can’t control our unconscious feelings about our former spouse who we’re choosing not to be married to, they will always be our partner in terms of being our child’s parent.
It’s important to respect and honor that because that child is half of our ex-partner. Instead of seeing our ex-partner when we look at our children, instead, look at this child who needs to feel whole. It doesn’t matter whether they’re young or old, it’s really important to try to help that child love him/herself because it never goes away.
I know our children are watching, learning from us as role models and judging us as well. And when they’re grown adults, they’re going to hold us very accountable for the way we handled that divorce. So sometimes parents feel they could get away with things, they mislead children with information, they could bad mouth the other parent because the kids don’t know any better or are afraid to say anything, but ultimately, your children are watching and learning and they will hold you accountable when they’re grown on how you handle the divorce. That’s why it’s so important for us to be doing what you’re talking about, being role models for our children.
Take and be aware of our reactivity and our feelings about our ex-partner because it’s not okay for the kid to experience that. Again, we’re allowed to not want to be with our ex, but at the same time, for that child, it’s important for them to feel loved and have some level of relationship (whatever makes sense), and that we don’t vomit our reactivity and our negativity onto the child. It’s really not fair to them to try to taint their image of their parents if divorcing.
Don’t make your children feel guilty for loving both parents.
It’s such a great point that the more love a child receives, the better.
Can kids have depression / anxiety? Yes! Children may insist that they’re not experiencing any mental problems, and parents often ignore a child’s rage as part of their ‘growth phase’. However, persistent irritable behavior can be a sign of childhood depression / anxiety. Moreover, this condition can be worsened if you neglect your kid’s mental health.
What is childhood depression / anxiety?
Childhood depression is different from normal ‘sad’ emotions. If your child’s sadness becomes persistent, interferes with daily activities, family life, or schoolwork, it may indicate that she/he has an issue.
Parents must pay attention to their kid’s emotions. Your children can feel anxious about different things at different ages. However, anxiety can be a problem when it starts to get in the way of daily life. For example, a child becomes so anxious on exam day that he/she cannot manage to go to school that day.
The main causes of depression in children:
Depression in childhood does not have a single cause. However, the significant causes of depression in children are:
Parental conflicts
Parental neglect
Divorce
Family disputes
Verbal, sexual or physical abuse
Social violence / bullying in school
Genetic issues
Financial issues
Common symptoms of depression include:
Depressed mood, crying / feeling angry often
Lack of energy
Loss of pleasure in favorite activities
Excessive sleeping or insomnia
Feelings of guilt / shame
Inability to make decisions
Thoughts of death / suicide
Changes in eating
A treatment plan depends upon the individual nature and severity of your child’s condition. Counseling and social support are considered the best option to reduce depression / anxiety.
Depression / anxiety can have a severe impact on physical, mental, and social well-being for everyone, including kids. It’s essential to keep an eye for warning signs in your child’s behavior. Parents should be willing to know what their child is feeling and be careful to remain non-judgmental and supportive. Early attention to a child’s behavior can reverse severe disorders of anxiety and depression in the future.
Counseling Services for NYers: Chana Pfeifer in W. Hempstead, NY:
I am available for telehealth appointments (Zoom or FaceTime) or in-person appointments, as long as we’re all symptom-free in my office or in comfortable rocking chairs in my backyard.
These are really really hard times. I don’t think there’s anyone who is getting through this unscathed. It would be my honor to assist you and give you guidance to get through this difficult time. Feel free to be in touch.
Counseling Services for NYers: seeing individuals, couples and pairs. Get professional support when you need it. Secure & confidential. Payments can be made via credit card, Zelle, and Chase QuickPay.
Usually I teach you during camp and today I’m so excited to teach you yoga.
So what I’m going to ask you to do is breathe.
That’s the first thing because all yogis are breathing with awareness. So the first thing we’re going to do is talk about some different types of breathing.
Follow after me… Put your hand over your heart, close your eyes, and feel your heart breathing. Put your other hand on your belly. Breathe in through your nose … and breathe out of your mouth.
Next thing we’re going to do is Lion’s Breath. Lion’s Breath is a powerful technique which helps release pent up energy, including stress, anxiety and anger. See if you can do it along with me…
Mountain Pose – put your feet firmly on the floor. Stick your chest nice and proud, holding your belly tight. Stand strong like a mountain. Close your eyes, and just feel strong for a minute. While you’re in that strong pose, say out loud, “I am strong!”
That’s awesome! And now we’re going to do another strong pose called Warrior one.. Warrior One pose strengthens your leg muscles and improves your flexibility.
For more yoga for kids 3-5 years with Chana Pfeifer, stay tuned!
Next thing we’re going to do is Lion’s Breath. Lion’s Breath is a powerful technique which helps release pent up energy, including stress, anxiety and anger. See if you can do it along with me…