Premarital Counseling Long Island, NY ⋆ Chana Pfeifer

You can be planning a family, concerned about how to manage finances, or navigating through a 2nd marriage … whatever your situation is, premarital counseling is the perfect place to discuss matters related to married life.

Get on the same page as your fiancé / partner BEFORE getting married.

Premarital counseling, a type of couples therapy, can assist you and your spouse in getting ready for marriage. In order to get both of you on the same page, it is meant to help you and your fiancé in having essential conversations on various topics (finances, values, culture, religion, kids, etc.) It may also aid in identifying possible points of contention and provide you and your spouse with the means of successfully navigating them. It would help if you established a healthy marriage foundation with the help of premarital counseling.

Premarital Counseling Goals:

Learn and practice a productive way to communicate.

Discover chances for growth in the relationship.

Create a love map composed of both of your dreams.

Chana’s couples’ counseling is based on Imago Relationship Therapy, created by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Be heard & work through conflict / anger to create an environment of “getting my world.”

Each partner will make clear what s/he needs, so we can feel safe to give it.

Set yourself up for marital success - Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, to schedule an appointment in-person or online.

As a counselor, Chana assists couples develop safety and connection within their relationship, such as with:

Relationship Goals
Conflicts & Communication
Sex & Intimacy
Finances
Children
Family & Blended Families

Getting to really know each other can lead to a secure marriage that will weather the pressures of day-to-day problems. Studies show that most couples who take part in premarital counseling have a much better chance of staying together.

Important Topics to Discuss During Premarital Counseling Before the Wedding:

The way we would like our relationship with our parents to look like.
How we feel about discussing our relationship issues with parents/extended family.
How we feel about having children, how many we would like.
Thoughts about childcare, parenting, what we like/ don’t like.
Feelings about money, saving, spending, debts, credit report.
Spending our free time together / apart. Being home vs. going out.
How to divide household chores.
Fun activities to plan together.
Where we envision living permanently.
A topic we have NOT discussed that I want to bring up is…

For more info. on premarital counseling, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

Research shows that people who share the same values, communicate effectively, and have a good friendship are more likely to enjoy their romantic relationship and build a marriage that lasts.

Premarital counseling could help you and your partner explore where you stand on important issues.

For instance, a couple might already know that they want a family and children however, a counselor can help you discuss your vision of family and what you each expect from each other as partners and parents.

Another couple may wonder how to manage a career while still making their marriage a priority. Some clients are coming into the relationship with kids and need discuss effective strategies for blended families.

No matter what your unique situation is, premarital counseling is an opportunity to get to know your significant other even better.

Confidentiality: What is said here, stays here.

Social workers take your privacy very seriously & confidentiality is a central part of their code of ethics. Counselors understand that for people to feel comfortable talking about private information, they need to see the therapist’s office as a place where they can talk about anything they’d like, without fear of that information leaving the room.

Laws are also in place to protect your privacy. The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) is a federal law that sets national standards for the protection of individuals’ medical records & personal health information, including information about mental health.

Frustration is a wish in disguise:

We know what we don’t want, but what do we actually want?

Pay attention to what we need. Express it in a way it can be heard.

Premarital Counseling for Conscious Couples

Therapy enables partners to recognize and avoid getting stuck in patterns, and to have a deeper understanding of their own and each other’s feelings. Counseling helps couples find new ways of being with each other that facilitate a stronger bond & a more fulfilling connection.

Do’s and Don’ts of Speaking:

Best time to speak:

Awake

Full

Relaxed

Rested

Present

Attentive

Worst time to speak:

Tired

Hungry

Stressed

Anxious

Upset

Angry

In any interaction between two people, we each are responsible for our contribution.

The Different Energies of the Maximizer vs Minimizer:

Maximizers yell, scream, chase, insult, express feelings strongly.

Minimizers ignore, retreat, sulk, suppress feelings.

Knowing of the Space Between:

Space between is sacred. You are each different and focusing on what “our” relationship needs versus “I” promotes connection.
How we influence the space between.

Showing Up:

Warm and responsive ingredients for being heard.
Flat face can be more painful than anger.
We make up a story when we are ignored.

How to start a conversation:

I’d like to talk with you about ____________. Is now a good time?

(Be clear about the topic. Decreases anxiety.)

If it’s not a good time, give a reasonable time within 24 hours.

(Creates safety and goodwill.)

Preparing to Talk:

Breathe
Neutral face & tone
Positive words

Meditation:

Do appreciations at least once a day or as often as you can.
Appreciate your partner and yourself (in your relationship)
Your partner will benefit and your children will model that behavior.

Premarital Counseling Long Island, NY

Blaming Parents:

A Native American ritual is to call forward the ancestors that have passed on (I mention it’s really helpful to also do this with regard to parents who have not yet passed on). They say to each one something similar to the following:

Mom, (Dad) the traits and behaviors in you that I honor and pledge to do my best to bring forward into future generations and into the world are: _______________.
And, I promise to honor you by pledging to do whatever I can to not carry forward the following traits and behaviors which do not serve and which I know you would not want me to bring forward such as _______________.

Further, I mention that as a parent I did so much that was right and wonderful but that were things I did or did not do that did not serve and I would be relieved to know my children are working to not pass that forward. I’d be so proud that they would work to not carry forward those things that do not serve.

This ritual has served me well through the years in helping clients get past the guilt of owning the negative. Perhaps some of you may find it helpful.

Handle Disagreement:

Each of us has our own unique perspective and history. If you’re in an argument, empathizing with your partner can prevent you from being overly critical or cruel. Once you have an understanding of someone else’s perspective, it’s easier to move onto proposing a compromise.