A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan to help improve your wellbeing while experiencing abuse, preparing to leave an abusive situation, or after you leave. Take some time to go through each part of this safety plan for leaving an abusive partner.
Your safety plan should include the following:
- Friends, family, colleagues, social workers that you can confidentially speak to about the abuse. These people can be told about the abuse and you can notify them if you need help. They can be advised in advance of who to call / what to do if you need help. (Example: call police if I’m afraid for my safety). My code word for family / friends to know I need help is… I will share this word with them and let them know what it means if / when I use it.
- Non-safe people you shouldn’t say anything about your situation to.
This list includes people who would potentially tell your abusive partner/spouse about your plans to leave. They will ultimately get in the way of your exit, or make your child’s experience more challenging. - If you had to leave home in an emergency, what safe place can you go to? This can be a nearby police station, church, store, restaurant, or any other place that’s open and has people around. These are places you can go to if you need to leave immediately or without much preparation.
- Places to call if in danger: 911, domestic violence hotlines, housing shelters, social workers.
- Essential items to take with you if you decide to leave. If you need to get away quickly, pack a bag and hide it either in the home (if you feel safe doing so) or keep it somewhere else or with someone else. Items to consider collecting are: Identification (driver’s license, school ID, military ID, immigration documents), Cell Phone / Charger, Medication, Cash, ATM card, House Key, Car Key, Clothes, Comfort Items (favorite stuffed animal or photograph), Baby Supplies (formula, diaper, wipes, change of clothes), Copy of Protection/Restraining Order, Child’s Birth Certificate, Health Insurance Card
- Establish financial autonomy before leaving, if possible. Save enough money to get your own place, get a credit card / checking account in your own name. Even if you don’t have a job yet, open a savings account. This step should be done with as much confidentiality as possible to not alert your partner of your plans.
- Get your own phone that your abusive partner does not have access to or knowledge of. Get a throw-away phone and hide it if necessary. Tracking messages is just one way technology can be used by an ill-intentioned romantic partner to monitor, intimidate, and control you — and they don’t have to be a tech wizard to manipulate it. If an abuser gets access to your phone, they can unassumingly squirm into every aspect of your digital life, from private messages to location history. If you have the means, buy a prepaid burner phone (a phone with minimal voice or data services, which are designed to be used sparingly and should not be attached to any shared credit cards) with cash, so you can contact your support network without being tracked.
- Go through your social media. Have you shared passwords to any accounts with your partner? Be sure to think about all of your online accounts such as Facebook, email, website, WiFi, instant messaging, online banking, home security networks, etc.. Be sure to change the passwords, emails associated, and maybe the profile pictures as well. Or you can start new social profiles to make sure there’s no overlap. You should secure your accounts to prevent further access. You can do this by setting up security measures like two-factor authentication, which requires access to a specific physical device to log in to accounts. But first, it’s a good idea to sign up for a new email address. With access to your email, an abuser can capture password-reset notices, create custom filters to hide messages, or gain access to any details you change.
- Childcare options – who could watch your children if you need childcare in an emergency? What word/phrase can you use as a code between you & your children to let them know that they need to call for help?
- Practice ahead of time & rehearse your escape plan so you know it like the back of your hand. If you have kids who are old enough to understand, teach them what to do when the time comes.
REMEMBER: You are the expert in your own situation. It can also be helpful to start this process with a social worker that you trust.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, you can reach out to me to discuss your safety plan for leaving an abusive partner. For more information on counseling, call (516) 592-1107.