What’s your best advice for couples who are separating or divorcing with children?
It’s important to focus on the children.
It doesn’t matter whether they are little kids or adults. No matter what, when we get divorced, we will always be their parents – whether the other parent is in their life everyday or whether they’re not. Our children need us to support that both of us are still their parents.
I’ll never forget when my daughter was about 7 or 8 years old (I was careful never to say anything negative about her father), she noticed a look on my face and she asked me, “Mommy, why do you have such an ugly look on your face when you talk to Daddy?” I was really flabbergasted because here I thought I was doing a great job of not badmouthing him or alienating him, but she saw my body language and that still had an impact on her.
Even though we can’t control our unconscious feelings about our former spouse who we’re choosing not to be married to, they will always be our partner in terms of being our child’s parent.
It’s important to respect and honor that because that child is half of our ex-partner. Instead of seeing our ex-partner when we look at our children, instead, look at this child who needs to feel whole. It doesn’t matter whether they’re young or old, it’s really important to try to help that child love him/herself because it never goes away.
I know our children are watching, learning from us as role models and judging us as well. And when they’re grown adults, they’re going to hold us very accountable for the way we handled that divorce. So sometimes parents feel they could get away with things, they mislead children with information, they could bad mouth the other parent because the kids don’t know any better or are afraid to say anything, but ultimately, your children are watching and learning and they will hold you accountable when they’re grown on how you handle the divorce. That’s why it’s so important for us to be doing what you’re talking about, being role models for our children.
Take and be aware of our reactivity and our feelings about our ex-partner because it’s not okay for the kid to experience that. Again, we’re allowed to not want to be with our ex, but at the same time, for that child, it’s important for them to feel loved and have some level of relationship (whatever makes sense), and that we don’t vomit our reactivity and our negativity onto the child. It’s really not fair to them to try to taint their image of their parents if divorcing.
Don’t make your children feel guilty for loving both parents.
It’s such a great point that the more love a child receives, the better.
If you’re thinking of divorcing, consider counseling to help you navigate through the process. Call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.
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