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Advice for Couples Separating or Divorcing with Children

What’s your best advice for couples who are separating or divorcing with children?

It’s important to focus on the children.

It doesn’t matter whether they are little kids or adults. No matter what, when we get divorced, we will always be their parents – whether the other parent is in their life everyday or whether they’re not. Our children need us to support that both of us are still their parents.

I’ll never forget when my daughter was about 7 or 8 years old (I was careful never to say anything negative about her father), she noticed a look on my face and she asked me, “Mommy, why do you have such an ugly look on your face when you talk to Daddy?” I was really flabbergasted because here I thought I was doing a great job of not badmouthing him or alienating him, but she saw my body language and that still had an impact on her.

Even though we can’t control our unconscious feelings about our former spouse who we’re choosing not to be married to, they will always be our partner in terms of being our child’s parent.

It’s important to respect and honor that because that child is half of our ex-partner. Instead of seeing our ex-partner when we look at our children, instead, look at this child who needs to feel whole. It doesn’t matter whether they’re young or old, it’s really important to try to help that child love him/herself because it never goes away.

I know our children are watching, learning from us as role models and judging us as well. And when they’re grown adults, they’re going to hold us very accountable for the way we handled that divorce. So sometimes parents feel they could get away with things, they mislead children with information, they could bad mouth the other parent because the kids don’t know any better or are afraid to say anything, but ultimately, your children are watching and learning and they will hold you accountable when they’re grown on how you handle the divorce. That’s why it’s so important for us to be doing what you’re talking about, being role models for our children.

Take and be aware of our reactivity and our feelings about our ex-partner because it’s not okay for the kid to experience that. Again, we’re allowed to not want to be with our ex, but at the same time, for that child, it’s important for them to feel loved and have some level of relationship (whatever makes sense), and that we don’t vomit our reactivity and our negativity onto the child. It’s really not fair to them to try to taint their image of their parents if divorcing.

Don’t make your children feel guilty for loving both parents.

It’s such a great point that the more love a child receives, the better.

If you’re thinking of divorcing, consider counseling to help you navigate through the process. Call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Social Worker Booking Information:

Accepted Insurance Plans:

Aetna

Payments can be made via:

Cash, Check, Zelle, Chase QuickPay, American Express, Discover, Mastercard, Visa, Health Savings Account

Childhood Depression / Anxiety

Can kids have depression / anxiety? Yes! Children may insist that they’re not experiencing any mental problems, and parents often ignore a child’s rage as part of their ‘growth phase’. However, persistent irritable behavior can be a sign of childhood depression / anxiety. Moreover, this condition can be worsened if you neglect your kid’s mental health.

What is childhood depression / anxiety?

Childhood depression is different from normal ‘sad’ emotions. If your child’s sadness becomes persistent, interferes with daily activities, family life, or schoolwork, it may indicate that she/he has an issue.

Parents must pay attention to their kid’s emotions. Your children can feel anxious about different things at different ages. However, anxiety can be a problem when it starts to get in the way of daily life. For example, a child becomes so anxious on exam day that he/she cannot manage to go to school that day.

The main causes of depression in children:

Depression in childhood does not have a single cause. However, the significant causes of depression in children are:

  • Parental conflicts
  • Parental neglect
  • Divorce
  • Family disputes
  • Verbal, sexual or physical abuse
  • Social violence / bullying in school
  • Genetic issues
  • Financial issues
Common symptoms of depression include:
  • Depressed mood, crying / feeling angry often
  • Lack of energy
  • Loss of pleasure in favorite activities
  • Excessive sleeping or insomnia
  • Feelings of guilt / shame
  • Inability to make decisions
  • Thoughts of death / suicide
  • Changes in eating

A treatment plan depends upon the individual nature and severity of your child’s condition. Counseling and social support are considered the best option to reduce depression / anxiety.

Depression / anxiety can have a severe impact on physical, mental, and social well-being for everyone, including kids. It’s essential to keep an eye for warning signs in your child’s behavior. Parents should be willing to know what their child is feeling and be careful to remain non-judgmental and supportive. Early attention to a child’s behavior can reverse severe disorders of anxiety and depression in the future.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Social Worker Booking Information:

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW

Accepted Insurance Plans:

Aetna

Payments made via:

Cash, Check, Zelle, Chase QuickPay, American Express, Discover, Mastercard, Visa, Health Savings Account

What is it like being divorced & a marriage counselor?

Long Island marriage counselor & Imago Relationship Therapist Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, is interviewed about being divorced by Rosalind Sedacca on the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Show.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW * The Happier MeChana Pfeifer has been a licensed social worker for more than 25 years, specializing in relationships since 2013. She’s had a private practice since 2004, has worked in the home care field, and has been teaching a college class as well.

Chana is passionate about her work as an Imago trained therapist, which is relationship work. It’s a really sound program that gets fabulous results and she’s also grateful for her own difficult personal journey, which includes having her own divorce. So welcome Chana..

Why don’t we start by asking you what it’s like being divorced and being a marriage counselor?

I have taken all kinds of advanced courses and have done extensive training and at the same time I wasn’t able to fix my own relationship. But what it does, is it helps me know what it’s like to be in the trenches. I have this incredible knowledge and experience of what it’s really like to struggle in relationship. I’m not perfect either, but at the same time I’m honored to be able to help couples connect in a really conscious way, even though I wasn’t able to fix my own relationship. It is an interesting conundrum. If I wouldn’t have struggled in my own relationship, I don’t believe I would have come into this expertise. It has changed my life for the better both personally and professionally. I’m so grateful that I specialize in relationship work.

Well, I hear you and I appreciate and value your candor. That means a lot to our listeners because your honesty is refreshing and very important.

If you are thinking about divorce, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW at TheHappierMe.LCSW@gmail.com.

“Am I Hearing You Correctly?” Imago Relationship Therapy

A Long Island couple takes cues from social worker Chana Pfeifer on how to use Imago Relationship Therapy techniques to effectively listen to one another. The video, “Am I Hearing You Correctly?” is about receiving.

These receiver instructions are taken from Imago Relationship Therapy:

“What I heard you say is…”

When your partner (the sender) pauses, repeat back everything you heard them say, without judging, critiquing, analyzing, or adding/taking away from it. Reflect back with a tone that mirrors that of the sender.

Paraphrasing is fine but be careful to avoid sending while in the receiver role. The magic of dialogue lies in allowing the sender to be completely in charge of where the conversation goes. Once you ask a question or insert a comment or tone of voice not sent by the sender, the dialogue is now about your agenda, not theirs.

Check it out:

“Am I hearing you correctly?” or “Did I get you?”

Check to make sure you correctly mirrored all that your partner said. If your partner clarifies or corrects something, listen, then mirror again. Continue until your partner says you got it.

Ask if there’s more:

“Is there more?” or “Tell me more.”

If your partner adds more, mirror, and then ask, “Is there more?” again. Repeat until your partner says there’s no more.

Then summarize:

“I think the gist of what you’re saying is…”

When done, check for completeness:

“Did I get it all?”

Mirror any additions your partner makes.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Social Worker Booking Information:

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW

Accepted Insurance Plans:

Aetna

Payments can be made via:

Cash, Check, Zelle, Chase QuickPay, American Express, Discover, Mastercard, Visa, Health Savings Account

Couples’ Premarital Counseling: Finance

joined paired counseling

Finance can be one of the most difficult topics to discuss, especially when your relationship seems to hang in the balance.

Unfortunately, financial issues and conflicts are one of the leading causes of divorce among married couples. If these issues are considered preemptively, couples can acquire the vision and resilience necessary to navigate murky financial waters in the future.

Premarital counseling can bring the dynamics of finances to a more positive and objective light unshadowed by emotions or personal biases.

Some of the main topics of premarital counseling are closely linked to financial discussions, including personal values, expectations, roles, family planning, communication, and conflict resolution.

One of the most insidious contributors to financial discord is a lack of effective communication between partners.

Money can be closely linked to individual self-worth and related stressors can present barriers to openness. Even if both partners are open and willing to discuss critical issues, it can be challenging to fully articulate one’s viewpoint on such a multifaceted topic.

What one partner may consider a necessity, another may consider an expensive luxury. Some may find savings or budget planning to be of critical importance, while others do not consider it much at all. Differences like this may not cause conflict at the start of a relationship, but over time, these issues can fester and create a larger problem that is difficult to navigate alone.

Having the ability to express one’s inner desires and fears is key to connecting with your partner and the issues at hand.

It is important to understand each other’s financial background, including how socioeconomic factors may have shaped one’s view of money during their lifetime. Fully comprehending the mosaic of cultural beliefs, patterns, and experiences can help the other partner communicate effectively about financial situations and goals.

Discussing differences and expectations is essential to cultivating a healthy conceptualization of spending, saving, working, and budgeting. Designating roles when handling such as taxes, bills, credit, and debt can help to reduce strain and fulfill healthy expectations. This includes emphasizing individual strengths and discovering how each partner can contribute to mutual success.

Providing each partner with the freedom to openly discuss financial habits, expectations, values, and planning is the first step in conquering related conflicts that may arise.

This can foster the unification of dual perspectives to create a harmonious balance of individuality. Counseling can provide a safe space in which to communicate your fears and perspectives while taking a proactive approach to your future as a happy and connected couple.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW - West Hempstead NY Therapist
I am seeing clients in person in my canvas outdoor office or indoor office 6 feet apart, as long as we are symptom free.
 
I’m also available for virtual counseling sessions with couples & individual adults through Zoom, Skype, FaceTime.

For additional information on couples’ premarital counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Payments can be made via:  Cash, Check, Zelle, Chase QuickPay, American Express, Discover, Mastercard, Visa, Health Savings Account

Therapy for Infertility

Receiving a diagnosis of infertility can cause significant stress in multiple areas of functioning. This can manifest itself through both internal and interpersonal distress or conflicts.
infertility counselor

It is not uncommon to develop anxiety and/or depression related to reproductive problems.

Common feelings can include: guilt, shame, helplessness.

individual counseling Long Island

Although women can be more susceptible to the effects of infertility-related stress, men are also vulnerable.

counseling for depression

This stress can be accompanied by reduced self-esteem and difficulties with identity. It is common to practice maladaptive defense mechanisms such as avoidance, withdrawal, or denial. Unfortunately, this can further exacerbate psychological and emotional distress.

A tumultuous wave of emotions experienced by both partners during this process can lead to relationship conflicts if not addressed properly.

Individuals within a couple may feel insufficient, dejected, or worthless. Infertility-related stress may also coincide with sexual dysfunction. A spouse may feel the need to hide or minimize their feelings to reduce the amount of strain on their partner. Using such defense methods to ameliorate critical issues can be even more psychologically stressful than the problem itself.

If dealing with reproductive issues, you may be reluctant to reach out for help. You may feel overwhelmed about the future. It is important to remember that you are not alone. Counseling can provide a productive outlet for troubling emotions and a safe place to process and heal.

To better understand the factors involved in your family’s crisis, a licensed counselor can assess your history as well as your current state. Information regarding your symptoms and situational factors can help create a personalized treatment plan for you and/or your family.

A diagnosis of infertility or other reproductive issues may also present a variety of options for alternative conception or adoption. These decisions can be life-changing for all involved. If you are struggling with depression and high stress, it can be difficult to have the ability to think clearly moving forward. A counselor can help you explore the different options you may have and the possible ramifications of each.

Therapeutic treatment can be directed towards optimizing the self as well as strengthening communication with your partner.

Turning counterproductive defense mechanisms into healthy coping strategies can help you regain a calm sense of strength and confidence.

A non-judgmental therapy space can enhance your holistic well-being while renewing both your internal state of mind and your relationships.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today

Parent-Child Dialogue in Imago Relationship Therapy

Parent-Child Dialogue in Imago Relationship Therapy – Couples Counseling Session with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW

“I am your parent. What is it like living with me? What is your deepest hurt with me?”

Imago relationship therapy is a form of couples counseling that helps those in relationships work out misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and rediscover ways to bond, communicate, and find common ground. Much of the work in Imago therapy involves learning to recognize how early childhood relationship experiences affect how we communicate, behave, and respond to others in adult relationships.

Imago relationship therapy teaches the skill of dialogue (i.e. parent-child dialogue) to help couples regulate anxiety and fully hear each other in an authentic, intentional dialogue. As couples are able to listen to each other with curiosity and a sense of safety, they are able to develop an empathic connection that allows them to understand the needs of their partner, as well as their own. The partners are then able to act on requested behavior changes, create a vision for their relationship, and act in more caring ways toward each other.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Learn to communicate.

Feel heard, accepted and safe.

Relax your mind and heart.

Build a relationship that feeds your soul.

Share words of affirmation.

Relationship Therapy with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW – May 2020

Relationship Therapy with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW – May 2020 – This is an example of an Imago therapy session conducted remotely during Coronavirus. It is with a pregnant couple as they learn Imago dialogues to communicate more effectively with one another.

Thank you for allowing me to have the opportunity to share this therapy session with you. This is a live Imago session and this is what it looks like in my office. For me, we start with a brief meditation so that you can be in a calm, non-reactive way.

In a relationship, it’s so important to share how you’re feeling.

Use these relationship dialogue examples to begin communicating better:

I’d like to talk to you about ___. Is now a good time?

The one thing that I appreciate about you is…

What I heard you say is that…

Did I get you? Is there more?

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for listening.

Relationship Therapy with Chana Pfeifer LCSW - May 2020

Feel really seen and heard in your relationship.

Learn to communicate effectively and truly feel listened to and understood. Break emotional boundaries, improve intimacy, and intellectually connect to live a full, healthy, and happy life.

For more information on relationship therapy, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

Counseling Services for NYers

Counseling Services for NYers: Chana Pfeifer in W. Hempstead, NY:

I am available for telehealth appointments (Zoom or FaceTime) or in-person appointments, as long as we’re all symptom-free in my office or in comfortable rocking chairs in my backyard.

These are really really hard times. I don’t think there’s anyone who is getting through this unscathed. It would be my honor to assist you and give you guidance to get through this difficult time. Feel free to be in touch.

Counseling Services for NYers: seeing individuals, couples and pairs. Get professional support when you need it. Secure & confidential. Payments can be made via credit card, Zelle, and Chase QuickPay.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Offices in both Cedarhurst & West Hempstead, New York:

422 Berrywood Court West Hempstead, NY 11552
222 Rockaway Avenue Building 1 Cedarhurst, NY 11516

For more information on counseling services:

Overcoming Depression: How Counseling is Helpful

How counseling is helpful in dealing with and overcoming depression with Chana Pfeifer, Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

Depression remains one of the most misunderstood issues we can suffer from. Everyone feels down from time to time, but depression is something very different, which is why sufferers need more help than being told to roll their sleeves up and just get on with it.

In fact, around 7% of Americans live with depression, that’s 16 million people, and there are many approaches to help them. At the heart of that help is therapy, but as depression itself is often misunderstood, so is the role of therapy in helping sufferers to deal with depression, and eventually overcome it.

Expressing the Problem

For many suffers of depression, talking to a counselor may be the first time they ever express the problem clearly. Just having someone who will listen can itself help, but for many, it’s the reassurance that the problem can be overcome.

Many sufferers feel ashamed that they are weak or a failure to succumb to the condition. Of course, this is not true, but for a sufferer, it can feel that way until it is otherwise explained. Therapy is often the first step to understanding the problem for sufferers.

Understanding the problem is the start of any journey to recovery, and during therapy, there may be many techniques used to help build the awareness of issues and the tools needed to overcome them, here’s an example..

A New Perspective

One of the ways counselling can be so helpful is by allowing patients to see the kind of behavior that reinforces the depression. Talking with a counselor can help sufferers to see things from a new perspective, in a very literal sense.

Those suffering from depression often have continual negative thoughts about past behavior, and that affects their view for the future too, assuming failure before trying to do anything.

This way of thinking often manifests physically too – staring at one area, often the floor, all the time and never looking up. During therapy, this kind of behavior can be identified and explained, and when encouraged to look up and look around physically, it can also be a catalyst to help the patient do the same with their thoughts. A new perspective can help you think differently about those key parts of life. Body posture affects your self-confidence!

Trusted Support

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW * The Happier MeEach journey to overcome depression is unique, but the constant from any therapy is complete support. By providing a safe space where issues can be discussed in a trusting, non-judgmental environment, the cause of depression and the behaviors it causes, can be addressed over time. This allows patients to build a tool set that helps them to overcome their problem and cope with future issues too.

For more information on overcoming depression through counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.