How do you deal with triggering events of divorce that occur when you don’t have a normal family and we’re coping with the emotions of being divorced, co-parenting, COVID-19, and all the related challenges? There’s always triggers from the outside world, so what’s your advice on that?
Part of that is PLANNING AHEAD.
For example, if there’s a holiday coming up, ask if you’re having the kids or not. Also, recognize what the triggers were last year or if this is new, realize what might be difficult for you. Figure out how to surround yourself with people who can support you the way you need.
Rather than pretending that everything’s going to be fine or telling yourself that you’ll just get through it, sometimes, just ask for help when you need it.
Invite yourself to some one else’s house so that you’re not alone rather than waiting for that person to call you or give you an invitation if you need to be around people.
Look at your calendar and really see what may be triggering to you / what might be difficult times?
Figure out who you have in your support network or who you can enlist in your support network if you don’t have the support you need yet.
Get in the mode of being OK asking for help.
Sometimes, we need help, and that is okay. When we actually ask or help, we’re letting the other person help us and that’s nourishing for both parties.
We also have triggers with communication. Especially communication with our former spouse. Can you talk a bit about that as well?
Well, that’s partly being responsible for our own reactivity. Making sure we’re not exhausted, annoyed, stressed, hungry or anything like that before talking with someone. We’re responsible for not being insulting.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we make appointments before speaking with someone so that we’re both present and respectful of each other’s time and availability. You simply just ask, “Is now a good time?”
Personal responsibility will affect the caliber of our communication with difficult people in our lives.
Too often we find people who point the finger and look to blame, and not look at the fact that there’s different ways to address the issues and those differences can make all the difference in the outcome.
Practice looking at yourself and thinking, what can I do differently? You can’t control any other person than yourself. So, how do you control yourself? How do you become aware of your own personal triggering events of divorce?
For info. on post-divorce counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.
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