boundaries Archives ⋆ Chana Pfeifer-Sytner, LCSW, CAIT, EMDR-3

Avoid people who exhibit a willingness to manipulate others for personal gratification.

You should have a good reason to be cautious around people who consistently manipulate others for their own benefit.

A demonstrated willingness to exploit people can be a meaningful warning sign because past behavior is often one of the best predictors of future behavior.

Some reasons for concern include:

Trust is undermined. Healthy relationships depend on honesty and mutual respect. Someone who manipulates others for personal gain has shown they are willing to sacrifice trust when it benefits them.

Boundaries may not be respected. Manipulative individuals may ignore or test personal boundaries, using guilt, flattery, intimidation, or deception to get what they want.

Empathy may be limited. If a person regularly exploits others without remorse, it may indicate they prioritize their own desires over the well-being of those around them.

The behavior can escalate. Manipulation that seems minor early on can develop into more controlling or emotionally abusive patterns over time.

Relationships become transactional. Rather than valuing mutual support, the manipulative person may view relationships primarily as opportunities to obtain attention, status, money, sex, or other benefits.

Common warning signs include:

Frequently lying or distorting the truth.
Playing people against one another.
Refusing to accept responsibility for harmful actions.
Using guilt, fear, or obligation to influence others.
Charming people for strategic purposes while treating them inconsistently.
Showing a pattern of exploiting coworkers, friends, family, or former partners.

It’s also important to distinguish between isolated mistakes and consistent patterns.

Most people have acted selfishly or manipulatively at some point. A stronger reason for concern is when the behavior is habitual, intentional, and accompanied by a lack of accountability or remorse.

Anyone should be cautious about forming close relationships with someone who repeatedly demonstrates a willingness to manipulate others for personal gratification. A pattern of manipulation can indicate a relationship that is less likely to be built on mutual respect, honesty, and emotional safety.

If you’re evaluating a person’s behavior, it’s more informative to focus on observable patterns over time than on isolated incidents or labels. Consistency between a person’s words and actions, respect for boundaries, and accountability when they make mistakes are generally stronger indicators of a healthy relationship than charm or first impressions.

If you have more questions about relationships, communication, or anything else, feel free to reach out to Chana Pfeifer-Sytner, LCSW, CAIT, EMDR-3.

In-Person Appointments on Long Island:

422 Berrywood Court, West Hempstead, NY 11552

222 Rockaway Avenue, Cedarhurst, NY 11516

Licensed for Telehealth: Colorado & New York

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Why surveillance erodes trust in relationships.

Surveillance is not a source of trust because it indicates a lack of it and violates personal privacy. Healthy relationships rely on open communication, honesty, and respect for boundaries, while snooping undermines these foundations.

Instead of spying, a person should communicate their feelings directly such as by asking, “I’m sensing something’s off. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Why surveillance erodes trust:

It is an act of distrust: Snooping on a partner, such as checking their phone without permission, signals a lack of faith in them and the relationship.

It violates privacy: Everyone has a right to their own space and communication. Surveillance is an invasion of privacy, which is fundamental to individual well-being and a key component of a healthy relationship.

It is not a path to resolution: Surveillance may provide short-term information but doesn’t resolve the underlying issues that caused the suspicion in the first place.

It treats a partner like an information repository: Instead of respecting a partner as a whole person, surveillance can reduce them to a “repository of information to be got at,” undermining their individuality.

Building trust instead of surveilling:

Communicate directly: When you have concerns, express them openly and honestly. For example, instead of snooping, ask questions like, “I noticed you got some late-night texts. Everything okay?”

Focus on open communication: Building a strong foundation of trust involves consistent, open communication about your feelings and issues.

Respect boundaries: A healthy relationship requires mutual respect for personal boundaries. This means giving each other the space and privacy to have their own separate lives.

Address the root cause: If you are suspicious, it may be because trust has already been broken. The relationship needs to address the source of the mistrust rather than resorting to surveillance.

Building trust instead of surveilling means shifting from control to empowerment by focusing on clear communication, autonomy, transparency, and genuine care.

If you are having issues in your relationship and wish to speak with a therapist, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

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Establishing Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is essentially you protecting / treating yourself kindly.

If somebody hurts you, or crosses a line with you, how do you react?

Lots of people may feel it’s easier just to let some things go when they are hurt. You may think that it’s not that important to bring something up. But in doing that, if someone has truly hurt you, you’re really just saying that you don’t matter.

The problem is, most of us haven’t learned how to set boundaries. Children aren’t given the tools. Maybe you’ve even seen negative examples of that with your own parents. Most of us aren’t modeled healthy boundaries in our households growing up. So, we have to put in the work now.

First off, setting a boundary is not a confrontation.

A confrontation is when someone aggressively approaches you ready for a fight. A boundary teaches other people how we want to be treated. In other words, it is letting other people know what is ok with you and what is not.

If you see yourself as important, then setting boundaries for your well-being should be important.

How much value do you have for yourself? If you don’t have self-worth, then boundaries aren’t necessary to begin with. So, you need to realize that you do matter and that your well-being is important.

Below are just a few helpful ways to define and set boundaries.

Build up your self-esteem.

You need to be able to feel valuable in order to set a boundary. Find ways to build up your inner self, whether it’s exercise, crafts, dancing, singing; whatever it is, do it for you. Once you are clear with your sense of self and in tune with your worth, establishing boundaries will be easier.

Establish what your non-negotiables are.

It’s important in any relationship to understand the other person’s perspective. However, you need to define what is good for you beforehand, so that your decision is grounded and unswayed. Figure out how you want to be treated instead of how it’s happening to you now. Clearly define what is offensive to you so that you know what to set a boundary about.

Shift your thinking… It’s not war.

Try not to make anyone “enemies”, realize that they’re just different from you. You don’t ever want to have a “we’re right” and “they’re wrong” mentality. That’s never going to build any bridges.

Tag: boundaries