Author: Christine

Enjoy The Moment

“20 years from now you’d give anything to be this exact age, exactly this healthy, in this exact moment. Take a second to enjoy it.”

— Richard Webster

Let’s attempt to give ourselves a reason to just be here, existing in the present moment.

Think about how many times your presence has been hijacked by you focusing on worries or regrets around problems.

Take a couple of minutes out of your day, put down your phone, relax your eyes, and enjoy a few deep and slow breaths. Listen to what’s around you, whether peaceful or hectic. Slow down your heart rate and take a deep breath for a minute, knowing that whatever you may be going through at this time, will pass.

What we truly have is this moment. You must find a way to enjoy it.

How to be more interesting with every person you meet.

Dates can be fun & exciting, but they also can be uncomfortable & intimidating. If you’re single and feel as though the act of going on dates is getting stale / boring, learn to shake up the conversation. Just remember: a date shouldn’t be a job interview with cocktails. And, let’s face it… it can be hard to get to know someone without sounding like you’re interrogating them.

To create a natural conversation that ebbs and flows, make sure to balance what you ask them about. Try not to overload them with important life questions all at once. The goal is to enjoy the time spent with this new person, even if it doesn’t work out. Appreciate the experience and have a laugh. In the meantime, you can practice your conversation skills.

How to level up your life and be more interesting with every person you meet (by Vanessa Van Edwards):

“If you want to be a more interesting person, you have to do interesting things.” – VANESSA VAN EDWARDS

Here’s how you can level up your life & be more interesting with every person you meet (read the full article from Science of People here – it’s really great!)
  • Ask someone about the weirdest thing they have ever eaten.
  • What’s on their bucket list & if you can help them accomplish any of it.
  • Ask someone about the movie that most changed their life.
  • Ask someone about a new skill they are learning.
  • Ask someone about their personal passion project.
  • What their New Year’s Resolutions were & if they accomplished them.

Break auto-pilot & social scripts with your questions — you’ll be rewarded with great answers.

First-date conversation starters are the secret to avoiding awkward silences and nervous laughter. Expressing genuine interest in your date and bringing up intriguing topics can make for an unforgettable memory (or, at the very least, a date that isn’t boring).

As you explore these questions, don’t forget to share details about your life. Research shows that self-disclosure makes you more likable and helps others feel comfortable opening up to you.

Why do couples fight?

Why do couples fight?

According to Dr. Harville Hendrix, (one of the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy along with his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt), after looking at couples for 8 years, came to a conclusion that they fight for a core reason:

“They experience a disconnection from each other and want the connection back, so they project the responsibility of that disconnection onto each other; each couple then defends against taking responsibility for it, which of course increases the disconnection. So fundamentally, it’s sort of a paradox that couples fight in order to get connected, and the fighting actually results in having them become more disconnected. Basically, couples fight because of a disconnect and they don’t like it.”

If you live on Long Island and would like more information on Imago Relationship Therapy, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

You can also call Chana at (516) 592-1107.

Offices in both Cedarhurst & West Hempstead, New York

COUNSELING FOR COUPLES IN A SAFE, SUPPORTIVE PLACE

If your relationship is distressed, a Long Island marriage counselor can provide you with a greater understanding of your relationship, a way to use your challenges as the opportunities they are for deeper connection, and a road map for repair.

The most common relationship dealbreakers.

The most common relationship dealbreakers (h/t to Justin Lehmiller).

“A study of 2,445 heterosexual, European adults aged 18-45 rated how likely they would be to reject a potential partner based on each characteristic.

Ratings for short- and long-term relationships were collected separately.

The results yielded 7 distinct factors that constituted the most common relationship dealbreakers.

These factors were:
  1. Unambitious (indecisive, no sense of purpose)
  2. Hostile (unfriendly, grumpy)
  3. Filthy (dirty, stinky)
  4. Arrogant (egotistical, overly opinionated)
  5. Unattractive (physically unappealing)
  6. Clingy (insistent, eager to commit)
  7. Abusive (aggressive, violent)”

Do you agree with any/all of these relationship dealbreakers?

Let me know what you think on Facebook!

Original source from Chris Williamson.

West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW is a West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist

“Imago” is the Latin word for “Image” – specifically, your image of love.

Many of us choose a partner subconsciously to attempt to recreate frustrating situations from our past so that we can solve and heal unwanted relationship patterns.

Imago Relationship Therapy uses frustration / conflict as a way to lead to healing – and ultimately a closer, more meaningful relationship.

Couples Therapy:

You won’t always know what your partner needs, nor can they fully know what you need without communicating it. Through Imago Relationship Therapy sessions with Chana, couples will learn new (and affective) ways to communicate so that both partners’ realities can be fully expressed and understood.

IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY TEACHES COUPLES HOW TO:

  • examine each childhood upbringing and how this has formed their ‘Imago’
  • resolve conflict by understanding/empathizing each’s needs/desires
  • create a successful and gratifying plan for the future for you as a couple

Imago relationship therapy is designed to help partners / friends / colleagues / family members work out misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and rediscover ways to bond.

Individual Therapy & Paired Therapy Available Also

Relationships Are Complex. Learn To Manage Your Partnership With Confidence.

West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist office is located at:
422 Berrywood Ct., West Hempstead, New York 11552

Other locations available in Miller Place, NY (Holistic Counseling Center of Long Island with David Weber, LCSW) and Huntington, NY (Huntington Relationship Center with Robin Newman, LCSW).

Call for additional information:  (516) 592-1107

Appts Available In Person & Online.

The 4 Pillars of a Partnership:

While working on problems is one way to improve a long-term relationship, it’s just as important to reflect on your partner’s good qualities and the positive aspects of your connection. Below you can find what the 4 pillars of a partnership entail.

Can you be your true self around your partner?  Is your dynamic mostly drama-free and peaceful?  Do you have a friendship, as well as feelings of lust?  Do you work well as a team?  Is your partner inspiring you to be a better person / supporting you emotionally?  Is there trust and open communication?

Here’s a checklist for a sustainable relationship from Amy Chan / Breakup Bootcamp Founder (@missamychan on Instagram). She helps people create healthy relationships.

The 4 Pillars of a Partnership:

  1. Chemistry – connection and attraction

  2. Compatibility – alignment of values and vision

  3. Timing – if it’s the perfect person at the wrong time, it’s the wrong person

  4. Mutuality – two people who are equally invested in building the relationship and have the ability and capacity to do so

Spend a few minutes reflecting on how each of these apply to your relationship. Chances are, you won’t have everything in balance, but that’s ok. The lesson here isn’t to pretend like your relationship doesn’t have issues, or obsess about the things that are lacking. There’s a lot there when you know what to look for. Keep in mind, that’s there’s always room for improvement in any relationship.

If you are looking for more information about Imago relationship counseling on Long Island, contact us.

With the professional guidance of a licensed counselor, couples can develop adaptive strategies to resolve conflicts and address challenges together with confidence.

CHANA PFEIFER, LCSW IN WEST HEMPSTEAD, NY

(516) 592-1107

Individual, premarital, and couples therapy provided in a confidential and supportive atmosphere.

Offices available in:

West Hempstead, NY – Chana Pfeifer
Huntington, NY – Robin Newman
Miller Place, NY – David Weber

Detachment

Detachment from a person / situation can best be described as a process of letting go. It’s not easy; it takes some time to learn how to do it. But with a little practice, you may experience your anxiety subsiding and your relationships becoming more fulfilling.

The process of detachment will help you lead a happier life overall.

detachment

Here’s what Chopra.com has to say about it:

Many people are attached to relationships, money, social status, jobs, and more. Basically, anything you can use to describe who you are can be a sign of attachment. I might say: I am a blonde, mother, wife, daughter, and sister who is physically healthy and socially vibrant. I am a teacher, a writer, a speaker, and a student. However, if my brother dies and I was no longer a sister, I am still me. If I change what I do and stop writing, I am still me.

Recognizing that the “me” remains without all the descriptors is the goal.

How to Detach: 5 Steps

1. Observe your mind: Become aware of what kind of thoughts you habitually think. What things or descriptors do you identify with most? Become a student of self and heighten your awareness of where attachment happens more frequently for you. Recognize attachment comes with an emotional charge. Notice where you feel this in your physical body. It’s different for each individual and learning your patterns is a useful tool in creating change.

2. Distinguish between ego and actuality: Your ego might tell you that not getting the job you want has ruined your career. The actuality is: you are disappointed because you didn’t get something you wanted. Nothing has changed except your thoughts about your future potential. The actual situation is the same as it was prior to not getting the job and you can still advance your career.

3. Embrace uncertainty: Only a willingness to embrace the unknown provides security. What Deepak Chopra says about detachment: “Those who seek security in the exterior world chase it for a lifetime. By letting go of your attachment to the illusion of security, which is really an attachment to the known, you step into the field of all possibilities. This is where you will find true happiness, abundance, and fulfillment.”

4. Meditate on it: Meditation is a vehicle to help your mind release patterns of thought and action that no longer serve you. Spend some time in meditation each day and watch how the patterns in your life begin to change.

5. Don’t beat yourself up for falling into old habits: The first step in making change is recognizing what it is you want to change. Instead of getting frustrated/disappointed when you fall back into an old habit, celebrate that you are now noticing when you repeat the pattern of thought/habit. In time, this will allow you to transform your behavior.

What does emotional manipulation look like?

manipulation

Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behavior, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you.

When someone uses your emotions to get what they want, steer your behavior, or influence your ideals, it’s known as emotional manipulation.

Emotional manipulation can wear many faces. It can come in anger, disappointment, ridicule, or guilt. Gaslighting and love bombing are also forms of emotional manipulation.

Here’s emotional abuse tactics and what they may sound like:

  • Guilt: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”
  • Criticism: “You never do anything right.”
  • Isolation: “You’re picking your friends and family over me.”
  • Humiliation: “I’ll take you out to eat when you lose some weight.”
  • Threatening: “If you ever do that again, you’ll be sorry.”
  • Blaming: “Look what you made me do.”
  • Accusing: “I know you’re being unfaithful.”
  • Infidelity: “I could do better than you anytime I want.”

Emotional abuse leads to conditions such as:

  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • substance abuse
  • post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

If you feel as though someone is manipulating your emotions, it’s OK to step away from the situation to gather your thoughts. Practice stating your own needs, desires, and boundaries clearly and without apology. The more comfortable you are with direct communication, the easier it is to spot manipulation from others.

Dealing with emotional manipulation is difficult because it can lead you to question yourself and your judgment.

When emotional abuse negatively impacts your life, consider seeking support & guidance from a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. Contact us.

Pre-Marital Counseling for Engaged Couples on Long Island

Chana offers Pre-Marital Counseling for Engaged Couples on Long Island

Whether you’re negotiating how to plan a family, concerned about how to manage finances, or navigating through a 2nd marriage, premarital counseling is the perfect place to discuss all matters related to married life.

Therapy doesn’t always mean a relationship is at its breaking point. Many couples are seeking to address difficult issues before conflict arises.

Every couple that gets engaged should go through premarital counseling. Partners learn how to deal with issues that may arise before they become a problem. This gives couples confidence and peace while stepping into a new chapter of their lives.

Through Imago relationship therapy, couples will learn how to communicate effectively with one another. During sessions with an Imago couples therapist, you may address family origins.

As a counselor, Chana assists couples develop safety and connection within their relationship, such as with:

  • Relationship Goals
  • Things of Importance / Value: friendships, alone time, date nights
  • Conflicts & Communication: learning to argue in the most effective way
  • Sex & Intimacy
  • Finances: bank accounts, paying bills
  • Children / Parenting: if you want children, parenting beliefs & styles
  • Family & Blended Families: visiting times, setting boundaries, holidays
  • Social & Religious Beliefs
  • Making decisions as a couple
  • Vacations – Guy’s/Girl’s Trips
  • Defining Roles, cooking, shopping, cleaning, taking care of finances

Therapy should be viewed as an act of self care / personal maintenance, a sign of maturity, and overall healthiness.

Set yourself up for marital success – Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, to schedule an appointment in-person or online.

Chana Pfeifer provides counselin to individuals, pairs of family members, and couples of all kinds in the Nassau County areas of Long Island, NY including:

Baldwin  Bellmore  Bethpage  Briarwood  Carle Place  Cedarhurst  East Meadow  East Rockaway  Elmont  Farmingdale  Floral Park  Forest Hills  Franklin Square  Freeport  Fresh Meadows  Garden City  Glendale  Hewlett  Hicksville  Howard Beach  Inwood  Jamaica  Kew Gardens  Laurelton  Lawrence  Levittown  Island Park  Little Neck  Long Beach  Lynbrook  Malverne  Manhasset  Massapequa  Merrick  Mineola  New Hyde Park  Oceanside  Ozone Park  Plainview  Richmond Hill  Rockville Centre  Roslyn  Seaford  Uniondale  Valley Stream  Wantagh  Westbury  West Hempstead  Williston Park  Woodhaven  Woodmere

CHANA PFEIFER is one of Long Island’s best marriage counselors that has helped couples achieve greater coping skills to manage life’s stresses & challenges.

A Grief Counselor To Help You Handle The Holidays With Ease

Complicated feelings typically arise during the holidays under any circumstance, but struggling with feelings of grief can make this time even more challenging. Grief counselor Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, can give you the support you need to get through the holidays with grace.

Holidays are difficult for people who’ve experienced the death of a loved one.

Any type of sound, sight and/or smell can trigger feelings of sadness, anger, emptiness, anxiety… the list goes on.

While you can’t change the situation for what it is, what you can control is your inner state of being. Does this mean not crying or feeling down? Of course not. Let yourself cry if you need it. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

What you can control during times of grief is how you take care of your body & mind, so be realistic in your expectations during this time.

Grief can consume most of your physical and emotional energy no matter what the season. The holidays place additional demands and stress on your life. Respect what your body / mind is telling you. If you feel tired, take care of yourself as if you were physically sick. The mind and body work together.

It’s important to be aware of your limitations so you don’t overextend yourself, causing more stress. Consider changing your traditions to reduce stress. Limit social / family commitments to suit your available energy. Re-evaluate priorities and forego unnecessary activities and obligations. Keeping busy may distract you from your grief temporarily, but it may increase your stress too.

Handling the Holidays – Grief Counseling Services in Nassau County, New York.

There is no right way to move through this time of year, but it can be helpful to think about what values, traditions, and memories you want to share. Remember that grief has no expiration date— it is okay to feel how you feel.

Self-care and mindfulness are vital tools in navigating the holidays. Give yourself permission to rest. Allow feelings to come and go; the holidays don’t need to be perfect (they won’t be), so be gentle with yourself.

CHANA PFEIFER provides guidance & support so that you can find peace throughout the holiday season.

If you need someone to vent to with 100% confidentiality, or you would like help discovering coping strategies for dealing with the holidays, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today. In-person and telehealth services available.