Tag: therapist W Hempstead

Family Estrangement: Letting Go of Toxic Family Ties

Family estrangement is the deliberate cutting off of or significant distancing between family members, even though it’s a very painful process for all involved.

Setting boundaries with toxic family members can be a serious challenge. It can range from complete silence (no contact) to reduced interaction and emotional withdrawal, affecting parents, siblings, or other relatives.

This is often due to long-standing negative relationships, abuse, neglect, or deep-seated conflict, and serves as a way to create emotional distance, protect oneself, or break toxic patterns.

Key characteristics of estrangement:

Intentional distancing: One or more family members consciously chooses to create space and either go no-contact or have very little contact.

Root causes: Often stems from emotional/physical abuse, neglect, personality clashes, mental health issues, unmet expectations, or in-law problems.

Protective mechanism: Can be a necessary step for self-preservation and healing from toxic environments, leading to greater independence and wellness.

Common triggers and experiences:

Toxic patterns: Adults ending contact after years of harmful dynamics, feeling unheard or unloved.

Subtle withdrawal: Early signs can be emotional distance, shallow conversations, or avoidance at family gatherings.

Difficult times: Holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas), Mother’s/Father’s Day, weddings, and funerals can intensify feelings.

Ending relationships with family members, or any toxic person, is difficult. If you’ve decided to walk away from a dysfunctional family or toxic family member, stay the course and stay strong.

You can find relief, peace, and improved mental health when you finally decide to walk away from a toxic environment.

A counselor helps with family estrangement by providing a safe space to process grief, anger, and guilt, teaching healthy communication and boundary-setting skills, gaining insight into family dynamics, and developing coping strategies for emotional regulation, whether the goal is reconciliation or finding peace with the current situation.

If you are looking for support to deal with or end contact with toxic / dysfunctional family members, contact me for individual counseling.

In-Person Counseling Locations: West Hempstead & Copiague, NY

Licensed for Telehealth: Colorado & New York

Accepted Insurance: Aetna

Accepted Payments: Cash, Check, Zelle, American Express, Discover, Mastercard, Visa, Health Savings Account

Covert Aggression is a Form of Hostility

Covert aggression is a form of hostility where negative emotions or intentions are expressed subtly and often without direct confrontation. Individuals who use covert aggression often struggle with unexpressed anger or resentment. This can manifest as passive-aggressive behavior, backhanded compliments, or guilt-tripping.

Individuals who attempt to control and manipulate others do this as a tactic to avoid open conflict, but still aim to cause emotional harm or gain an advantage.

Take a look at some of the tactics covert aggressors might utilize:

Hidden Hostility:  Covert aggression doesn’t involve direct confrontation or open displays of anger. The underlying hostility is not clearly expressed, making it difficult to identify and address.

Passive-Aggression: Saying something that sounds positive on the surface but has a negative or insulting undertone. Procrastinating, sulking, or making sarcastic remarks instead of directly addressing issues.

Denial: aggressors use this tactic to make others back off or feel guilty about implying they did something wrong. They will play the innocent role and make others feel unjustified in confronting them.

Shaming: putting you down by using indirect sarcasm or critical / mean comments that make you feel inadequate / unworthy. Aggressors are experts at doing this in subtle ways, even through nonverbal cues.

Minimization: through a combination of denial and rationalization, the aggressor will make you feel that their behavior isn’t as harmful or reckless as someone might be claiming.

Playing the Victim Role: Exaggerating or fabricating victimhood to gain sympathy and manipulate others. This tactic involves trying to gain sympathy or compassion by pretending to be the victim. For example, if a wife says to her husband, “you don’t spend enough time with the family” he might say something like, “it’s because I work so hard but no one seems to appreciate it.”

Guilt Tripping: Making someone feel responsible or bad for something, often to get them to do something. With this tactic, the aggressor attempts to keep you in a self-doubting, anxious, passive position through gaslighting and manipulation. The manipulator may suggest to the conscientious person that they don’t care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person in turn starts to feel bad.

Covert Intimidation: threatening their victims with implied or subtle threats to keep them apprehensive and disempowered. This tactic involves a combination of guilt tripping and shaming, “You’ll never find a man that way.. Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Seduction: manipulation done through charm or flattery. This involves overly supporting others to get them to lower their defenses and give in to your request. This tactic is especially used on someone who may already be seeking approval or reassurance from loved ones.

Were you able to relate to any of these? Being aware of these patterns can be empowering and help you recognize them before getting hurt or feeling manipulated.

Why covert aggression is harmful:

Emotional Distress:  Covert aggression can cause anxiety, confusion, and emotional pain in the target.

Relationship Damage:  It erodes trust and communication in relationships.

Difficulty in Addressing:  The subtle nature of covert aggression makes it hard to confront or resolve.

Long-term Impact:  Chronic exposure to covert aggression can have a significant negative impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being.

Tips to deal with passive aggressive individuals:

Be assertive – The key here is to get your point across in a respectful, calm way. By standing up for yourself in an effective manner, this well help boost self-esteem and confidence. The aggressor may think twice about using manipulative tactics with you.

Don’t Get Persuaded into Playing the Game – Rather than trying to outsmart the manipulator, be straightforward and utilize healthy communication. It can be helpful to articulate your feelings, without letting the other person down or criticizing them.

Utilize Your Support System – Identify friends and family that can relate and share your feelings. Providing empathy for each other can be an excellent form of support and help ease some tension for us.

For information on individual counseling in Long Island or virtually, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

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How a Mental Health Counselor Can Help You Through Getting a Divorce

Chana Pfeifer: How a Mental Health Counselor Can Help You Through Getting a Divorce

Getting a divorce is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. It’s hard enough to cope with the emotional stress, but when you add in the financial and legal challenges, it can feel overwhelming.

A mental health counselor can help you through this tough time by providing support and guidance.

If you’re considering divorce, or are in the middle of the process, here are a few ways a mental health counselor can help:

1. Dealing with the Emotional Impact

The emotional impact of divorce can be devastating. You may feel like you’ve failed, or that your life is falling apart. A counselor can help you deal with these feelings and start to rebuild your self-esteem.

2. Managing Stress

The stress of divorce can be overwhelming. A counselor can help you find healthy ways to cope with stress and anxiety. They can also teach you relaxation techniques to help you stay calm during this difficult time.

3. Working Through Conflict

Conflict is often a big part of divorce. A counselor can help you learn how to communicate effectively with your ex-spouse, and how to resolve conflicts without resorting to aggression or violence.

4. Coping With Change

Divorce brings about many changes, both big and small. A counselor can help you adjust to these changes and find ways to cope with them in a healthy way.

5. Building a Support Network

One of the biggest challenges after the end of a marriage is rebuilding your support system. A counselor can help you connect with other people who are going through similar experiences, and can offer advice on how to build new relationships.

6. Planning for the Future

After divorce, it’s important to take some time to focus on your own needs and goals. A counselor can help you create a plan for your future, and can offer advice on how to move forward in a positive way.

7. Finding Closure

For many people, divorce is a journey to finding closure. A counselor can help you work through your feelings and find a sense of peace after the end of your marriage.

8. Helping Your Children Cope

If you have children, it’s important to help them through the divorce as well. A counselor can offer guidance on how to talk to your kids about divorce, and can provide support as they adjust to this new reality.

9. Dealing With Financial Challenges

Divorce can also bring financial challenges. A counselor can help you create a budget, and can offer advice on how to manage your finances during this difficult time.

10. Taking Care of Yourself

The process of divorce can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s important to take care of yourself during this time, and a counselor can help you find ways to do that. They can offer guidance on healthy coping mechanisms, and can help you create a plan to take care of your physical and mental health.

If you’re considering divorce, or are in the middle of the process, reach out to a mental health counselor for support.

Chana Pfeifer can help you deal with the emotional challenges of divorce, and can offer guidance on how to cope with this difficult time.

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Panic Attacks

If you’ve suffered from a panic attack before or have witnessed someone you care about go through one, you know that it’s a rough thing to deal with.

There are a significant amount of people who suffer from panic disorder.

With panic disorder, people obviously have panic attacks. However, if you have experienced a panic attack before, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have panic disorder. It could just have been an isolated incident, not reoccurring for the rest of your life.

A panic attack is where you experience an incredible sense of fear.

When confronted with danger, your body goes into either fight, flight, or freeze responses. With panic attacks, you are just flying. Your body experiences the same feelings it would have if for example, someone was trying to mug you, except there is no one mugging you or chasing after you. There’s no discernible reason why you should be feeling this onset of crippling fear, but you’re experiencing it nonetheless. In other words, there is no tangible thing happening in that moment to cause you such fear.

Panic attack symptoms can last for up to an hour, leaving sufferers feeling drained. Some people may think they’re having a heart attack, which is quite scary to say the least.

If you have more than 4 of these symptoms, you may be having a panic attack:

  • heart pounding
  • shaking
  • dizziness
  • sweating
  • choking
  • nausea
  • short breath
  • chest pain
  • numbness
  • chills
  • hot flashes
  • feeling like you’re going crazy, about to die, etc.

If you’re having panic attacks on a regular basis, you may have panic disorder.

One theory why people may develop panic disorder is if they experienced a traumatic event in their lives that was never dealt with psychologically. Stored feelings that someone may have had at one point continually gets revisited.

Or, even worrying about your next panic attack can actually bring one on! There is a link to agoraphobia simply because of this fear of having a panic attack again. Just the fear of having one before can lead to more in the future. So, it is a cyclical problem.

If you do have a panic disorder, you may have a hard time getting your family or friends to understand it. They might under react to the severity of your issues. Saying, “it’s all in your head”, or “just calm down”. Whatever the case, it can make you feel as if you’re alone.

Just know that, you are never alone, even if you feel that way.

There’s always ways to receive help, talk to people who understand you, and surround yourself with others who are supportive of you.

Seeking a therapist to discuss things with is a great way to start the process of healing.

The silver lining in all of this is that panic attacks are treatable.

They can be helped through cognitive behavioral therapy. We can uncover the reasons behind your panic attacks, which is a huge step. When you want to overcome something, you need to understand it.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Establishing Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is essentially you protecting / treating yourself kindly.

If somebody hurts you, or crosses a line with you, how do you react?

Lots of people may feel it’s easier just to let some things go when they are hurt. You may think that it’s not that important to bring something up. But in doing that, if someone has truly hurt you, you’re really just saying that you don’t matter.

The problem is, most of us haven’t learned how to set boundaries. Children aren’t given the tools. Maybe you’ve even seen negative examples of that with your own parents. Most of us aren’t modeled healthy boundaries in our households growing up. So, we have to put in the work now.

First off, setting a boundary is not a confrontation.

A confrontation is when someone aggressively approaches you ready for a fight. A boundary teaches other people how we want to be treated. In other words, it is letting other people know what is ok with you and what is not.

If you see yourself as important, then setting boundaries for your well-being should be important.

How much value do you have for yourself? If you don’t have self-worth, then boundaries aren’t necessary to begin with. So, you need to realize that you do matter and that your well-being is important.

Below are just a few helpful ways to define and set boundaries.

Build up your self-esteem.

You need to be able to feel valuable in order to set a boundary. Find ways to build up your inner self, whether it’s exercise, crafts, dancing, singing; whatever it is, do it for you. Once you are clear with your sense of self and in tune with your worth, establishing boundaries will be easier.

Establish what your non-negotiables are.

It’s important in any relationship to understand the other person’s perspective. However, you need to define what is good for you beforehand, so that your decision is grounded and unswayed. Figure out how you want to be treated instead of how it’s happening to you now. Clearly define what is offensive to you so that you know what to set a boundary about.

Shift your thinking… It’s not war.

Try not to make anyone “enemies”, realize that they’re just different from you. You don’t ever want to have a “we’re right” and “they’re wrong” mentality. That’s never going to build any bridges.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Advice for Couples Separating or Divorcing with Children

What’s your best advice for couples who are separating or divorcing with children?

It’s important to focus on the children.

It doesn’t matter whether they are little kids or adults. No matter what, when we get divorced, we will always be their parents – whether the other parent is in their life everyday or whether they’re not. Our children need us to support that both of us are still their parents.

I’ll never forget when my daughter was about 7 or 8 years old (I was careful never to say anything negative about her father), she noticed a look on my face and she asked me, “Mommy, why do you have such an ugly look on your face when you talk to Daddy?” I was really flabbergasted because here I thought I was doing a great job of not badmouthing him or alienating him, but she saw my body language and that still had an impact on her.

Even though we can’t control our unconscious feelings about our former spouse who we’re choosing not to be married to, they will always be our partner in terms of being our child’s parent.

It’s important to respect and honor that because that child is half of our ex-partner. Instead of seeing our ex-partner when we look at our children, instead, look at this child who needs to feel whole. It doesn’t matter whether they’re young or old, it’s really important to try to help that child love him/herself because it never goes away.

I know our children are watching, learning from us as role models and judging us as well. And when they’re grown adults, they’re going to hold us very accountable for the way we handled that divorce. So sometimes parents feel they could get away with things, they mislead children with information, they could bad mouth the other parent because the kids don’t know any better or are afraid to say anything, but ultimately, your children are watching and learning and they will hold you accountable when they’re grown on how you handle the divorce. That’s why it’s so important for us to be doing what you’re talking about, being role models for our children.

Take and be aware of our reactivity and our feelings about our ex-partner because it’s not okay for the kid to experience that. Again, we’re allowed to not want to be with our ex, but at the same time, for that child, it’s important for them to feel loved and have some level of relationship (whatever makes sense), and that we don’t vomit our reactivity and our negativity onto the child. It’s really not fair to them to try to taint their image of their parents if divorcing.

Don’t make your children feel guilty for loving both parents.

It’s such a great point that the more love a child receives, the better.

If you’re thinking of divorcing, consider counseling to help you navigate through the process. Call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Social Worker Booking Information:

Accepted Insurance Plans:

Aetna

Payments can be made via:

Cash, Check, Zelle, Chase QuickPay, American Express, Discover, Mastercard, Visa, Health Savings Account