Imago Relationship Therapy Archives ⋆ Chana Pfeifer-Sytner, LCSW, CAIT, EMDR-level 3 trained

Avoid Destructive Criticism

Are you constantly fighting, criticizing, blaming your partner? Transform destructive conflict into connection through structured communication, emotional regulation, and empathy.

It takes two to fight – Saying the wrong things can be destructive. Don’t allow your marriage to be damaged permanently because you couldn’t control your words/actions.

Fighting, criticism, and blame in a marriage signal deep emotional disconnection, often masking unmet needs, past hurts, or insecurities.

Imagine living with someone who is constantly angry, short-fused, critical, dismissive, or judgmental. Would this person have an impact on you?

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are particularly damaging patterns in relationships.

Avoid Destructive Criticism

Attacking your partner’s character, using absolutes like “always” or “never,” and/or focusing on blame instead of creating a solution leads to defensiveness, resentment, and emotional distance. This ultimately erodes trust and connection.

Blame can be a way to feel “right” or exert dominance in the moment, but overall, it harms the dynamic. This often allows individuals to avoid personal accountability. While it may provide temporary relief from emotional discomfort, it ultimately damages relationships by fostering intense resentment, defensiveness, and a lack of (or reduced) productive conflict resolution.

Constructive feedback, however, aims for positive growth by focusing on specific behaviors using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This is a key predictor of relationship health or breakdown. To address this, shift from blaming your partner to expressing your own needs gently. Describe personal emotions (“I feel…”) rather than accusing (“You did…”)

You must show your partner that they’re safe to be vulnerable with you, rather than dismissing them or using their vulnerabilities against them.

Learn communication tools to break vicious cycles and address past issues once and for all.

Don’t suffer any longer. Start rebuilding a happy marriage today. Consider professional help like couples counseling to build emotional safety, repair & trust.

Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW

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Conflict Recovery for Couples

Use conflict in your relationship as a tool to improve your connection.

When a couple is willing to put in the effort to make the changes they desire, there’s a high probability the marriage/relationship will last.

Conflict recovery for couples involves rebuilding trust, strengthening emotional bonds, and improving communication skills after a disagreement or period of conflict.

Here’s a more detailed look at conflict recovery strategies:

Active Listening: Pay attention to your partner’s perspective, without interrupting or planning your response.

“I” Statements: Express your feelings and needs using “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…”) rather than blaming statements (“You always…”).

Validation: Acknowledge and validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with their perspective.

De-escalation Techniques: Use techniques like taking a break from the discussion and returning to it when you’re calmer, or using a “safe word” to manage intense emotions.

Fair Fighting Rules: Establish ground rules for arguing, such as sticking to one topic, avoiding personal attacks, and respecting each other’s boundaries.

Compromise and Collaboration: Work together to find solutions that meet both partners’ needs.

Be Patient: Conflict recovery takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work through the process.

Forgiveness: It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but rather letting go of resentment and choosing to rebuild the relationship.

Active Repair: Engage in positive activities together, express affection, and apologize sincerely.

Rebuilding Trust: Be honest and transparent, follow through on commitments, and demonstrate that you are reliable.

Couples benefit from seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to learn specific conflict resolution skills and strategies.

A therapist can help identify underlying issues, teach communication & conflict resolution skills, and facilitate the repair process.

conflict recovery for couples

Contact me today if you are interested in couples therapy on Long Island.

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The Biggest Issues in Marriage

The biggest issues in marriage often revolve around communication breakdowns, financial stress, intimacy problems, and differences in expectations.

Issues can manifest as frequent arguments, emotional distance, or a lack of shared goals/vision for the future.

1. Communication Problems: This is frequently cited as a leading cause of marital issues. Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a feeling of being unheard or unappreciated.

2. Financial Stress: Money matters are a common source of conflict in marriages. Disagreements about spending, debt, and financial priorities can create significant tension and strain the relationship.

3. Intimacy Issues: A decline in physical or emotional intimacy can be a major source of unhappiness in marriage. This can stem from various factors like stress, busy schedules, or simply a lack of effort to maintain closeness.

4. Infidelity: Emotional or physical affairs can severely damage trust and intimacy, leading to significant emotional distress.

5. Parenting Disagreements: Differing parenting styles, disagreements about discipline, and conflicts over raising children can create tension and conflict within a marriage.

6. In-Law Issues: Conflicts with extended family members, particularly in-laws, can put a strain on the marital relationship if not properly managed.

7. Lack of Appreciation: Failing to acknowledge and appreciate each other’s efforts and contributions can lead to feelings of being undervalued and unappreciated.

8. Different Life Goals: When spouses have conflicting aspirations for the future, such as career goals or where to live, it can create a sense of being on different paths.

9. Stress: External stressors like work, family, or health issues can significantly impact a marriage. These stressors can exacerbate existing problems or create new ones.

10. Jealousy & Trust Issues: Feelings of jealousy or suspicion, whether rooted in past betrayals or ongoing insecurities, can erode trust and create a toxic environment.

11. Boredom: While not always obvious, a lack of excitement and novelty in the relationship can lead to a decline in intimacy and connection.

12. Value Differences: Discrepancies in core values, such as religious beliefs or lifestyle choices, can lead to frequent disagreements and a sense of disconnect.

Addressing these issues proactively through open communication, seeking professional help when needed, and making a conscious effort to reconnect with each other can significantly improve the health & happiness of a marriage.

To book an appointment with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, click here.

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Premarital Therapy to Begin Marriage a Healthy Way

Begin your marriage in a healthy way and learn how to keep it healthy!

Don’t wait until there’s a problem before seeking therapy.

Some couples avoid premarital counseling for fear it will damper the ‘good times’. The truth is, premarital counseling is a proactive way to address potential relationship issues before they become problems in your marriage. Examining your relationship before you head down the aisle will actually bring you closer.

Learn to talk – Communication is the bottom line in successful marriages. Couples who are able and willing to talk openly about personal issues are much more likely to stay together, happily.

Plan for problems – In the midst of your joyous plans, bad times do come as well. The more planning you do for handling problems, the less trauma your relationship will suffer when life’s challenges find you.

Fight fair – The other side of communication is disagreeing. As much as you adore your spouse, there will inevitably be a day when you take different stances on something. Premarital therapy can teach you in advance how to make your way through a fight without doing damage, and to come out the other side with greater understanding.

Remember independence – You’re becoming a new pair. It’s still important to acknowledge one another as an individual, and that the marriage itself is a separate entity from you and your partner. Don’t forget what makes you happy independently while you become a married couple.

Ask a lot of questions – What do you expect your relationship to look like in 15 years? How do you feel about money? Dogs, kids, both, none? What’s your partner’s credit score? How will you deal with in-laws?

To book an appointment with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, click here.

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Conscious Dialogue example in Imago Relationship Therapy

Conscious dialogue within a marriage relationship refers to a mindful, intentional, and respectful communication style that fosters deeper understanding, empathy, and connection between partners.

Here are key elements:

Active listening: Fully present and attentive to each other.
Awareness: Recognizing emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.
Honesty: Authentic and transparent sharing.
Non-judgment: Avoiding criticism or assumption.
Empathy: Understanding and validating each other’s perspectives.
Clarity: Clear expression of needs, desires, and boundaries.

Benefits:

Deeper intimacy and connection.
Conflict resolution and prevention.
Increased trust and understanding.
Emotional intelligence growth.
Healthier communication patterns.

Practices:

Schedule regular, dedicated conversations.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
Ask open-ended questions.
Reflect and paraphrase to ensure understanding.
Show gratitude and appreciation.

By incorporating conscious dialogue, couples can strengthen their bond, navigate challenges effectively, cultivate emotional intelligence, and foster a supportive environment.

Conscious Dialogue example in Imago Relationship Therapy with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, New York:

Couples counseling involves a lot of communication, a conscious communication. Chana breaks down the fundamentals of how to talk, how to listen, and how to grow together as a couple for optimal long term success.

Would you like more information or specific tips?

For more info. on counseling, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

Offices in Cedarhurst, NY & West Hempstead, New York + Virtual Availability

How can a therapist mediate a married couple’s problems?

A therapist can mediate a married couple’s problems by using various techniques and strategies to facilitate effective communication, identify and address underlying issues, and promote a stronger, healthier relationship.

Here are some ways a therapist can help married couples:

Initial Steps:

Establish a neutral and supportive environment.
Set clear goals and expectations for therapy.
Conduct individual and joint sessions to understand each partner’s perspective.

Communication Strategies:

Active listening: Encourage each partner to listen attentively to the other, focusing on understanding rather than responding.
Reflective listening: Repeat back what each partner has said to ensure understanding and show empathy.
I-statements: Teach couples to express feelings and thoughts using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which can come across as accusatory.
Non-defensive communication: Help couples learn to respond without becoming defensive.

Identifying and Addressing Underlying Issues:

Identify patterns and cycles: Recognize negative patterns and cycles that contribute to conflicts.
Explore underlying emotions: Help couples understand and address underlying emotions, such as anger, hurt, or fear.
Uncover unresolved conflicts: Address unresolved issues and resentments.
Examine individual and shared values: Explore values, goals, and expectations.

Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution:

Collaborative problem-solving: Encourage couples to work together to find solutions.
Conflict resolution strategies: Teach effective conflict resolution techniques, such as compromise, forgiveness, and apologies.
Develop a conflict resolution plan: Create a plan for managing conflicts in the future.

Building Intimacy and Connection:

Emotional intimacy: Foster emotional closeness through vulnerability and empathy.
Communication exercises: Assign exercises to promote communication, such as sharing gratitude or appreciation.
Date nights: Encourage regular date nights to strengthen bonding.

Therapist’s Role:

Facilitate: Guide conversations and ensure both partners are heard.
Educate: Provide information on effective communication, conflict resolution, and relationship skills.
Support: Offer emotional support and encouragement.
Accountability: Hold couples accountable for their actions and commitments.

By using these techniques and strategies, a therapist can help a married couple:

Improve communication and conflict resolution skills.
Strengthen emotional intimacy and connection.
Address underlying issues and resentments.
Develop a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.

Keep in mind that every therapist has their unique approach, and the specific techniques used may vary depending on the therapist’s orientation and the couple’s needs.

For more information, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island.

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Brief Meditation Before Marital Counseling with Chana Pfeifer

Brief Meditation Before Imago Marital Counseling with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, New York

Before starting Imago relationship therapy with a married couple in NY, Chana Pfeifer gives them a couple of minutes to breathe, connect, and center themselves into the present moment. This gives both people a chance to ground themselves and get into their intentions with the therapy session.

Brief Meditation: One thing I appreciate about you as my partner/spouse/husband/wife is…..

Awareness and communication are what makes a connected relationship work. If you feel you are having difficulty communicating with your partner, it would be beneficial to have a therapist guide you in the process.

Sometimes, couples become so emotionally disconnected and stuck in negative patterns that it is difficult to talk openly and honestly. If this feels like you, then reaching out to a professional social worker could be a great step toward having a connected relationship.

Chana Pfeifer is currently seeing clients through telehealth virtual platforms and in-person in Nassau County, Long Island.

For additional information on counseling, call (516) 592-1107

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Parent-Child Dialogue – Felt Experience – Imago Therapy

Parent-Child Dialogue – Felt Experience – Imago Therapy Online

Here’s a clip with Chana in an Imago Therapy session online with a couple who was about to practice the “Parent-Child Dialogue,” a communication technique in Imago Relationship Therapy.

This is not about parent-shaming or parent-blaming, this is about our felt experience. As parents we know that we cannot be perfect. Some of our children may experience us giving them too much attention or not enough attention, and as parents, we do our best. So again, the focus of this dialogue is your felt experience.

Through Imago Relationship Therapy sessions with Chana, couples will learn new (and affective) ways to communicate so that both partners’ realities can be fully expressed and understood.

IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY TEACHES COUPLES HOW TO:

examine each childhood upbringing & how this formed their ‘Imago’
resolve conflict by understanding/empathizing each’s needs/desires
create a successful and gratifying plan for the future for you as a couple

If you’re interested in Imago Therapy with Chana Pfeifer, contact her today.

“As a certified Imago therapist, I love what I do. My specialty is relationships. I deal with a variety of people, whether it is navigating couples’ challenging relationships, separation, blended families, or geriatrics. I feel the variety of many issues keeps my skills sharp.”

Why do couples fight?

Why do couples fight?

According to Dr. Harville Hendrix, (one of the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy along with his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt), after looking at couples for 8 years, came to a conclusion that they fight for a core reason:

“They experience a disconnection from each other and want the connection back, so they project the responsibility of that disconnection onto each other; each couple then defends against taking responsibility for it, which of course increases the disconnection. So fundamentally, it’s sort of a paradox that couples fight in order to get connected, and the fighting actually results in having them become more disconnected. Basically, couples fight because of a disconnect and they don’t like it.”

If you live on Long Island and would like more information on Imago Relationship Therapy, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

You can also call Chana at (516) 592-1107.

Offices in both Cedarhurst & West Hempstead, New York

COUNSELING FOR COUPLES IN A SAFE, SUPPORTIVE PLACE

If your relationship is distressed, a Long Island marriage counselor can provide you with a greater understanding of your relationship, a way to use your challenges as the opportunities they are for deeper connection, and a road map for repair.

West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW is a West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist

“Imago” is the Latin word for “Image” – specifically, your image of love.

Many of us choose a partner subconsciously to attempt to recreate frustrating situations from our past so that we can solve and heal unwanted relationship patterns.

Imago Relationship Therapy uses frustration / conflict as a way to lead to healing – and ultimately a closer, more meaningful relationship.

Couples Therapy:

You won’t always know what your partner needs, nor can they fully know what you need without communicating it. Through Imago Relationship Therapy sessions with Chana, couples will learn new (and affective) ways to communicate so that both partners’ realities can be fully expressed and understood.

IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY TEACHES COUPLES HOW TO:

examine each childhood upbringing and how this has formed their ‘Imago’
resolve conflict by understanding/empathizing each’s needs/desires
create a successful and gratifying plan for the future for you as a couple

Imago relationship therapy is designed to help partners / friends / colleagues / family members work out misunderstandings, reduce conflict, and rediscover ways to bond.

Individual Therapy & Paired Therapy Available Also

Relationships Are Complex. Learn To Manage Your Partnership With Confidence.

West Hempstead Imago Relationship Therapist office is located at:
422 Berrywood Ct., West Hempstead, New York 11552

Other locations available in Miller Place, NY (Holistic Counseling Center of Long Island with David Weber, LCSW) and Huntington, NY (Huntington Relationship Center with Robin Newman, LCSW).

Call for additional information: (516) 592-1107

Appts Available In Person & Online.