Blog ⋆ Chana Pfeifer

Premarital Counseling for 2nd Marriages

Premarital counseling is highly recommended for second marriages, offering valuable support in navigating challenges like blending families and addressing past hurts. It’s beneficial for any couple considering a second marriage, regardless of the reasons for their previous marriages or their individual circumstances.

Premarital therapy provides a space to discuss concerns and expectations, enhancing communication and resolving issues before the wedding.

Benefits of Premarital Counseling for 2nd Marriages:

Addressing The Past: Counseling can help couples process and heal from past relationship experiences, fostering a healthier foundation for the new marriage.

Blending Families: Second marriages often involve navigating complex family dynamics, and premarital counseling can help couples establish clear communication and boundaries with children and stepfamily members.

Improving Communication: Counseling equips couples with tools to communicate effectively, resolve conflict constructively, and build a stronger foundation of trust.

Addressing Specific Concerns: It can help couples discuss and agree on important issues like finances, children, and religion, which can be particularly challenging in second marriages.

Redefining Roles and Expectations: Second marriages involve new roles and expectations, and premarital counseling can help couples clarify these and set realistic goals for their relationship.

Tips for a successful second marriage:

Be Open and Honest: Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly with your partner.

Develop Rituals of Connection: Create shared experiences and activities that strengthen your bond.

Practice Active Listening: Listen attentively to each other and understand each other’s perspectives.

Don’t hesitate to seek premarital or marriage counseling if you encounter difficulties.

Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW

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Preparing for Parenthood in Premarital Counseling

Preparing for Parenthood: Premarital counseling helps couples discuss their views on family, parenting styles, and other related topics before getting married.

Premarital counseling can help couples prepare for parenthood by addressing topics like parenting styles, expectations, and roles and responsibilities.

It provides a space for open communication about important issues, such as discipline, routines, and how to balance work and family life. This can lead to a stronger relationship and a more successful transition into parenthood.

Key areas addressed in premarital counseling related to parenthood:

Parenting styles and expectations: Discussing desired parenting approaches, values, and expectations can help couples align their visions for raising children.

Roles and responsibilities: Exploring how responsibilities will be divided within the couple, including childcare, household tasks, and financial management, is crucial.

Financial preparation: Discussing financial goals, budgeting, and potential changes to finances after having children is important for a stable family future.

Work-life balance: Considering how to balance work and family life, including childcare arrangements and leave policies, is essential.

Communication and conflict resolution: Learning to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts can help navigate the challenges of parenthood.

Emotional preparation: Acknowledging the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy and parenthood and developing coping strategies for stress and uncertainty is important for both parents.

Support system: Identifying and building a strong support system for the parents and the child can ease the transition into parenthood.

Infertility and other challenges: Addressing potential issues like infertility, pregnancy loss, or unexpected birth experiences can help couples navigate these challenges with support.

Benefits of premarital counseling for parenthood:

Stronger relationship: Open communication and addressing expectations can strengthen the relationship before the baby arrives.

Reduced conflict: Discussing parenting styles and expectations early on can prevent future conflict and resentment.

Better communication: Learning effective communication skills can help parents navigate the challenges of raising children.

Increased preparedness: Addressing financial, emotional, and practical aspects of parenthood can help couples feel more prepared.

Positive parenting experience: A strong foundation for the relationship and a shared vision for parenting can lead to a more positive parenting experience.

For information on premarital counseling in West Hempstead, NY, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

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Why Premarital Counseling is Imperative to Marriage Success

Premarital counseling is imperative for a successful marriage as it provides a platform for couples to address potential issues before they become major conflicts.

By exploring each other’s values, expectations, and communication styles, couples build a stronger foundation for their future together.

Here’s why premarital counseling is so important:

Improved Communication: Counseling helps couples learn to express their needs, fears, and desires effectively, reducing misunderstandings and improving overall communication.

Addressing Potential Issues: It provides a neutral space to discuss sensitive topics like finances, career aspirations, and family dynamics, allowing couples to identify and address potential disagreements before marriage.

Setting Realistic Expectations: Premarital counseling helps couples understand what marriage truly entails and set realistic expectations for their future together.

Developing Conflict Resolution Skills: Couples learn tools and techniques to navigate disagreements constructively, fostering healthy conflict resolution strategies.

Strengthening the Bond: The process of premarital counseling can deepen understanding and strengthen the emotional bond between partners, leading to a more fulfilling marriage.

Reducing Divorce Risk: Studies have shown that couples who participate in premarital counseling are less likely to divorce.

Preparing for Parenthood: If applicable, counseling can help couples discuss their views on family, parenting styles, and other related topics.

Improve communication and develop conflict-resolution skills with premarital counseling.

Pre-marriage counseling can help uncover unspoken expectations, improve communication, and give partners tools to handle challenges that may arise later in the marriage.

Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW for more information.

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Physical Touch

Use your partner’s love language as inspiration for a gift! When you align a gift with their love language, you’re showing your partner that you understand them and know how to make them feel appreciated.

If your partner’s love language is physical touch, here’s some ideas to get you started:

Daily Affection – Incorporate simple, consistent acts of physical touch into your daily routine. This could be a quick hug before you leave for work, a kiss on the cheek as you pass, or a hand on their back while you’re talking.

Couples Massage – Massage allows for a deep level of connection and affection through touch, catering to those who feel most loved through physical contact.

Sensual Treats – Cater to their love for physical touch with luxurious items like a super plush bathrobe, soft slippers, or a fluffy bed pillow.

Romantic Gadgets – Surprise them with something that can help you connect or to try something new in the bedroom.

Initiate Intimacy – If appropriate, consider initiating sexual intimacy and making sure your partner feels seen, heard and understood.

If your partner’s love language is physical touch, also consider any other of the five love languages that they prefer.

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Why feeling contempt for your partner is a recipe for divorce.

Feeling contempt for your partner is a serious issue because it erodes intimacy and communication, ultimately leading to relationship breakdown and potential divorce.

Contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce, and for a good reason. It strips away any semblance of the essential respect that defines a healthy relationship (of any kind), let alone a marriage.

Disgust charges contempt for the other person, and that disgust leaks out in the cruelest of ways. Contempt is mean. And it’s intended to be mean… It comes from a place of self-assigned superiority that isn’t satisfied until the other person is demeaned and broken. Tactics such as sarcasm, biting humor, mocking, name-calling, and negative body language assail a partner at his/her core.

Here’s why contempt is so destructive in relationships:

Erosion of Trust and Intimacy: Contempt creates a climate of disrespect and devaluation, making it difficult to feel safe and vulnerable, which are crucial for building trust and intimacy.

Communication Breakdown: When one partner feels disrespected or belittled, defensiveness and emotional distance can result, leading to ineffective communication and conflict escalation.

Emotional Disconnection: Contempt fosters emotional distance, as one partner feels disregarded or devalued, leading to a weakening of the emotional bond and a sense of disconnection.

Deterioration of Self-Esteem: Constant exposure can damage self-esteem, as one partner may internalize negative beliefs about themselves and their worthiness.

Relationship Failure: Contempt is a major predictor of relationship failure and divorce, as it signals a breakdown of respect and admiration, which are essential for a healthy relationship.

Mental and Physical Health Impacts: Contempt can lead to anxiety, depression, high stress levels, and other negative health consequences, highlighting its detrimental impact on overall well-being.

The Four Horsemen: Contempt is one of the “Four Horsemen” identified by The Gottman Institute, alongside criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which are strong indicators of relationship problems.

Resentment and Disgust: Can stem from accumulated resentment and a feeling of unfairness, leading to a sense of disgust and a lack of empathy for the partner.

Lack of Appreciation: Makes it difficult to appreciate your partner’s positive qualities, further exacerbating the negative feelings and behaviors.

Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW for more information on counseling.

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Common Financial Issues in Marriage

Financial issues in marriage can include things like significant debt, differing spending habits, hidden finances, lack of communication about money, unequal income distribution, and differing financial goals, which can lead to stress, resentment, and ultimately damage the relationship if not addressed openly and collaboratively.

Financial conflict can cause significant stress, tension & mistrust between partners, impacting the overall health of the marriage.

Honest conversations about finances, including income, debt, spending habits, and future goals, are crucial to manage financial issues effectively.

Common financial issues:

Debt: Large amounts of credit card debt, student loans, or mortgages can put a strain on a couple’s finances.

Hidden spending: One partner concealing spending habits from the other, leading to distrust.

Unequal income: A significant disparity in income between partners can create power imbalances and resentment.

Different financial goals: Disagreements about long-term financial aspirations like retirement planning or homeownership.

Financial infidelity: Deliberately hiding assets or debts from your spouse.

Strategies to address financial issues:

Create a budget together: Develop a shared plan for managing income and expenses.

Set financial goals: Agree on short-term and long-term financial objectives as a couple.

Discuss spending habits: Talk openly about spending patterns and identify areas where adjustments might be necessary.

Seek professional help: Consider counseling to navigate financial issues in marriage or address underlying issues.

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Quality Time

Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Quality Time

Clocking in quality time with your partner is a top priority for someone with this love language, and they don’t necessarily care about grand gestures, as long as you pencil them in for some regularly scheduled 1:1 time.

Schedule quality time together on your calendar.
Make sure you’re fully present when hanging out together.
Get creative with dates to create lasting memories.

The key is to be fully present and attentive during your time together. Focus on spending dedicated moments with each other, free from distractions, engaging in activities you both enjoy, and actively listening to one another.

Specific Quality Time Activities:

Shared hobbies: Go hiking, play a board game, try a new activity like painting or pottery, or maybe join a game league together.

Meaningful conversations: Have deep talks about your day, dreams, fears, wants, struggles, or life goals.

Date nights: Plan regular date nights with a focus on quality interaction, not just going out to a new place. Go on a weekend getaway to refresh your surroundings and daily routines. Buy tickets to a concert you’d both enjoy seeing or make a date to go wine tasting.

Simple moments: Enjoy a cup of coffee together in the morning, cook meals together, have a picnic in the park, or cuddle on the couch watching TV or a movie.

Active listening: Pay full attention when your partner is talking, make eye contact, and respond thoughtfully.

Tech-free time: Set aside time where you both put away your phones and focus on each other. Maybe it’s exercising together or taking a walk after dinner.

Volunteer together: Find a cause you both care about and volunteer your time as a couple.

Plan a staycation: Explore your own city or town with fresh eyes, or stay in and give each other spa treatments or massages. Help your partner unwind and de-stress with a luxurious relaxation experience.

Creative pursuits: Write music together, take a cooking class, or try a new art form as a couple.

Key points to remember:

Be present: Put away distractions like phones / messages and focus on being fully engaged with your partner.

Make time: Schedule dedicated quality time in your week, even if it’s just a short daily check-in.

Tailor to interests: Choose activities that align with your partner’s hobbies and passions.

Express appreciation: Let your partner know how much you value the time you spend together.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, is seeing clients virtually and in-person in Long Island, New York.

Contact Chana Now

In-Person Counseling Locations: W. Hempstead & Copiague, NY

Licensed for Telehealth: Colorado & New York

(516) 592-1107

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Acts of Service

A theory conceived by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1995, a “love language” is the way in which people give and recognize love. According to this theory, there are 5 love languages: Words Of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Although you can have elements of all five within your personality, for the most part, people speak primarily one love language.

If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, here are some gift ideas to help make them feel truly loved and appreciated.

make them their morning coffee/tea/drink

Bringing your love a cup of their favorite beverage in the morning is a sweet way of starting the day with an act of service. This sets the tone for the rest of the day based off of a positive interaction between you two. A small gesture of serving one another shows that we actively think of and care for our partner.

Do Their Chores

Someone whose love language is Acts of Service is really going to love a gift in which their partner is providing an action to help them out in daily tasks. So give them a break with chores! Wash the dishes or tidy up a room that needs cleaning. Anything that helps your partner relax is a gift worth getting. It’s all about showing up for them when they need help.

prepare a meal

We eat everyday, and that takes planning. Take the initiative and prepare a meal for your spouse. It will make them feel nurtured. You don’t need to cook if you can’t, order something for takeout that you know they love to eat.

Give Them A Day Off

Giving your partner a day to themselves is considered the ultimate service in a relationship because it shows you respect their need for individual time, prioritize their well-being, and are willing to take on extra responsibilities to ensure they have a completely free day to recharge and pursue their own interests, completely unburdened by household tasks or other obligations.

The reality is, we all don’t love the same way. And, if we’re going to make our relationships work, we need to figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to receive love.

It’s not necessary that we speak the same language when it comes to showing love, but it is necessary to understand each other’s needs.

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation:

Your Partner’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation?
Below are 4 ways to show your partner love through words.

If you want to give your spouse a gift, consider their preferred love language and give them something that expresses your love in a way that’s meaningful to them.

To discover your person’s love language, observe the way they express love to you, analyze what they complain about most often, and also what they request from you most often.

People tend to naturally give love in the way they prefer to receive love. Better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.

THE FIVE “LOVE LANGUAGES” ARE:

words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service
physical touch

Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation:

Write them a love letter: A simple and free way to express words of affirmation is to pull out a piece of paper and write a love letter. It doesn’t have to be a long letter, but it should be meaningful. Express your love and appreciation for who your spouse is and what they bring to your life. Details go a long way!

Pick out the perfect card: Writer’s block? Get a pre-written card that emulates how you feel. You can find some that are sweet & sentimental, others that are inappropriate and naughty, and many of the best ones have some kind of joke involved.

Create a playlist: Mix tapes and CDs were the popular romantic gift once upon a time. Now you can create a playlist using an app like Spotify. The benefit to an app versus the physical version is that you can add as many songs to it as you’d like, and continue to add to it as you find more. Create a playlist filled with songs that remind you of the one you love, then share it with them. This is a fun way to make it something they treasure and use forever!

Compliment jar: Fill a jar with notes of affirmations and compliments for them to pick from when they need a boost. These cute daily reminders are a great way to stay appreciative of each another, and goes one step beyond a casual text message.

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Mental abuse isn’t just calling someone names…

It’s also ignoring them, invalidating their feelings, giving them the silent treatment, and saying things that make them doubt themselves and their own reality. It is neglecting and not considering their feelings and basically treating a person like they don’t count.

It is as damaging as physical abuse, if not more.

Mental abuse encompasses a range of manipulative and controlling behaviors that aim to undermine a person’s self-esteem, sense of reality, and overall well-being, often through tactics like gaslighting, isolation, constant criticism, threats, and intimidation, even without using explicit insults.

Key points about mental abuse:

Beyond words: While verbal abuse (including name-calling) can be a part of mental abuse, it can also manifest through non-verbal actions like ignoring, silent treatment, constant belittling, or undermining someone’s opinions.

Manipulation and control: A primary goal of mental abuse is to manipulate and control the victim by making them feel dependent on the abuser, questioning their own sanity, or isolating them from support networks.

Impact on mental health: Mental abuse can significantly harm a person’s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.

Examples of abuse beyond name-calling:

Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perceptions and memories by denying reality or twisting situations.

Trivializing feelings: Dismissing someone’s emotions as “overreacting” or “being too sensitive”.

Public humiliation: Embarrassing someone in front of others through criticism or put-downs.

Threats and intimidation: Using threats of harm, leaving, or self-harm to control someone’s behavior.

Isolation tactics: Discouraging someone from spending time with friends and family.

Constant criticism: Finding fault with almost everything someone does, even when seemingly minor.

If you find yourself in an abusive situation of any kind, reach out for guidance and support in navigating next steps.

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