Blog ⋆ Chana Pfeifer

Why feeling contempt for your partner is a recipe for divorce.

Feeling contempt for your partner is a serious issue because it erodes intimacy and communication, ultimately leading to relationship breakdown and potential divorce.

Contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce, and for a good reason. It strips away any semblance of the essential respect that defines a healthy relationship (of any kind), let alone a marriage.

Disgust charges contempt for the other person, and that disgust leaks out in the cruelest of ways. Contempt is mean. And it’s intended to be mean… It comes from a place of self-assigned superiority that isn’t satisfied until the other person is demeaned and broken. Tactics such as sarcasm, biting humor, mocking, name-calling, and negative body language assail a partner at his/her core.

Here’s why contempt is so destructive in relationships:

Erosion of Trust and Intimacy: Contempt creates a climate of disrespect and devaluation, making it difficult to feel safe and vulnerable, which are crucial for building trust and intimacy.

Communication Breakdown: When one partner feels disrespected or belittled, defensiveness and emotional distance can result, leading to ineffective communication and conflict escalation.

Emotional Disconnection: Contempt fosters emotional distance, as one partner feels disregarded or devalued, leading to a weakening of the emotional bond and a sense of disconnection.

Deterioration of Self-Esteem: Constant exposure can damage self-esteem, as one partner may internalize negative beliefs about themselves and their worthiness.

Relationship Failure: Contempt is a major predictor of relationship failure and divorce, as it signals a breakdown of respect and admiration, which are essential for a healthy relationship.

Mental and Physical Health Impacts: Contempt can lead to anxiety, depression, high stress levels, and other negative health consequences, highlighting its detrimental impact on overall well-being.

The Four Horsemen: Contempt is one of the “Four Horsemen” identified by The Gottman Institute, alongside criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which are strong indicators of relationship problems.

Resentment and Disgust: Can stem from accumulated resentment and a feeling of unfairness, leading to a sense of disgust and a lack of empathy for the partner.

Lack of Appreciation: Makes it difficult to appreciate your partner’s positive qualities, further exacerbating the negative feelings and behaviors.

Contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW for more information on counseling.

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Common Financial Issues in Marriage

Financial issues in marriage can include things like significant debt, differing spending habits, hidden finances, lack of communication about money, unequal income distribution, and differing financial goals, which can lead to stress, resentment, and ultimately damage the relationship if not addressed openly and collaboratively.

Financial conflict can cause significant stress, tension & mistrust between partners, impacting the overall health of the marriage.

Honest conversations about finances, including income, debt, spending habits, and future goals, are crucial to manage financial issues effectively.

Common financial issues:

Debt: Large amounts of credit card debt, student loans, or mortgages can put a strain on a couple’s finances.

Hidden spending: One partner concealing spending habits from the other, leading to distrust.

Unequal income: A significant disparity in income between partners can create power imbalances and resentment.

Different financial goals: Disagreements about long-term financial aspirations like retirement planning or homeownership.

Financial infidelity: Deliberately hiding assets or debts from your spouse.

Strategies to address financial issues:

Create a budget together: Develop a shared plan for managing income and expenses.

Set financial goals: Agree on short-term and long-term financial objectives as a couple.

Discuss spending habits: Talk openly about spending patterns and identify areas where adjustments might be necessary.

Seek professional help: Consider counseling to navigate financial issues in marriage or address underlying issues.

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Quality Time

Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Quality Time

Clocking in quality time with your partner is a top priority for someone with this love language, and they don’t necessarily care about grand gestures, as long as you pencil them in for some regularly scheduled 1:1 time.

Schedule quality time together on your calendar.
Make sure you’re fully present when hanging out together.
Get creative with dates to create lasting memories.

The key is to be fully present and attentive during your time together. Focus on spending dedicated moments with each other, free from distractions, engaging in activities you both enjoy, and actively listening to one another.

Specific Quality Time Activities:

Shared hobbies: Go hiking, play a board game, try a new activity like painting or pottery, or maybe join a game league together.

Meaningful conversations: Have deep talks about your day, dreams, fears, wants, struggles, or life goals.

Date nights: Plan regular date nights with a focus on quality interaction, not just going out to a new place. Go on a weekend getaway to refresh your surroundings and daily routines. Buy tickets to a concert you’d both enjoy seeing or make a date to go wine tasting.

Simple moments: Enjoy a cup of coffee together in the morning, cook meals together, have a picnic in the park, or cuddle on the couch watching TV or a movie.

Active listening: Pay full attention when your partner is talking, make eye contact, and respond thoughtfully.

Tech-free time: Set aside time where you both put away your phones and focus on each other. Maybe it’s exercising together or taking a walk after dinner.

Volunteer together: Find a cause you both care about and volunteer your time as a couple.

Plan a staycation: Explore your own city or town with fresh eyes, or stay in and give each other spa treatments or massages. Help your partner unwind and de-stress with a luxurious relaxation experience.

Creative pursuits: Write music together, take a cooking class, or try a new art form as a couple.

Key points to remember:

Be present: Put away distractions like phones / messages and focus on being fully engaged with your partner.

Make time: Schedule dedicated quality time in your week, even if it’s just a short daily check-in.

Tailor to interests: Choose activities that align with your partner’s hobbies and passions.

Express appreciation: Let your partner know how much you value the time you spend together.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, is seeing clients virtually and in-person in Long Island, New York.

Contact Chana Now

In-Person Counseling Locations: W. Hempstead & Copiague, NY

Licensed for Telehealth: Colorado & New York

(516) 592-1107

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Acts of Service

A theory conceived by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1995, a “love language” is the way in which people give and recognize love. According to this theory, there are 5 love languages: Words Of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Although you can have elements of all five within your personality, for the most part, people speak primarily one love language.

If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, here are some gift ideas to help make them feel truly loved and appreciated.

make them their morning coffee/tea/drink

Bringing your love a cup of their favorite beverage in the morning is a sweet way of starting the day with an act of service. This sets the tone for the rest of the day based off of a positive interaction between you two. A small gesture of serving one another shows that we actively think of and care for our partner.

Do Their Chores

Someone whose love language is Acts of Service is really going to love a gift in which their partner is providing an action to help them out in daily tasks. So give them a break with chores! Wash the dishes or tidy up a room that needs cleaning. Anything that helps your partner relax is a gift worth getting. It’s all about showing up for them when they need help.

prepare a meal

We eat everyday, and that takes planning. Take the initiative and prepare a meal for your spouse. It will make them feel nurtured. You don’t need to cook if you can’t, order something for takeout that you know they love to eat.

Give Them A Day Off

Giving your partner a day to themselves is considered the ultimate service in a relationship because it shows you respect their need for individual time, prioritize their well-being, and are willing to take on extra responsibilities to ensure they have a completely free day to recharge and pursue their own interests, completely unburdened by household tasks or other obligations.

The reality is, we all don’t love the same way. And, if we’re going to make our relationships work, we need to figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to receive love.

It’s not necessary that we speak the same language when it comes to showing love, but it is necessary to understand each other’s needs.

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Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation:

Your Partner’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation?
Below are 4 ways to show your partner love through words.

If you want to give your spouse a gift, consider their preferred love language and give them something that expresses your love in a way that’s meaningful to them.

To discover your person’s love language, observe the way they express love to you, analyze what they complain about most often, and also what they request from you most often.

People tend to naturally give love in the way they prefer to receive love. Better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.

THE FIVE “LOVE LANGUAGES” ARE:

words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service
physical touch

Gift Ideas if Your Partner’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation:

Write them a love letter: A simple and free way to express words of affirmation is to pull out a piece of paper and write a love letter. It doesn’t have to be a long letter, but it should be meaningful. Express your love and appreciation for who your spouse is and what they bring to your life. Details go a long way!

Pick out the perfect card: Writer’s block? Get a pre-written card that emulates how you feel. You can find some that are sweet & sentimental, others that are inappropriate and naughty, and many of the best ones have some kind of joke involved.

Create a playlist: Mix tapes and CDs were the popular romantic gift once upon a time. Now you can create a playlist using an app like Spotify. The benefit to an app versus the physical version is that you can add as many songs to it as you’d like, and continue to add to it as you find more. Create a playlist filled with songs that remind you of the one you love, then share it with them. This is a fun way to make it something they treasure and use forever!

Compliment jar: Fill a jar with notes of affirmations and compliments for them to pick from when they need a boost. These cute daily reminders are a great way to stay appreciative of each another, and goes one step beyond a casual text message.

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Mental abuse isn’t just calling someone names…

It’s also ignoring them, invalidating their feelings, giving them the silent treatment, and saying things that make them doubt themselves and their own reality. It is neglecting and not considering their feelings and basically treating a person like they don’t count.

It is as damaging as physical abuse, if not more.

Mental abuse encompasses a range of manipulative and controlling behaviors that aim to undermine a person’s self-esteem, sense of reality, and overall well-being, often through tactics like gaslighting, isolation, constant criticism, threats, and intimidation, even without using explicit insults.

Key points about mental abuse:

Beyond words: While verbal abuse (including name-calling) can be a part of mental abuse, it can also manifest through non-verbal actions like ignoring, silent treatment, constant belittling, or undermining someone’s opinions.

Manipulation and control: A primary goal of mental abuse is to manipulate and control the victim by making them feel dependent on the abuser, questioning their own sanity, or isolating them from support networks.

Impact on mental health: Mental abuse can significantly harm a person’s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.

Examples of abuse beyond name-calling:

Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perceptions and memories by denying reality or twisting situations.

Trivializing feelings: Dismissing someone’s emotions as “overreacting” or “being too sensitive”.

Public humiliation: Embarrassing someone in front of others through criticism or put-downs.

Threats and intimidation: Using threats of harm, leaving, or self-harm to control someone’s behavior.

Isolation tactics: Discouraging someone from spending time with friends and family.

Constant criticism: Finding fault with almost everything someone does, even when seemingly minor.

If you find yourself in an abusive situation of any kind, reach out for guidance and support in navigating next steps.

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Tips for Couples Communication During the Holidays

During the holidays, couples communication should focus on open and honest dialogue, active listening, setting clear boundaries, expressing needs, and checking in with each other regularly to navigate potential stressors and ensure both partners feel heard and supported throughout the festive season.

Key aspects of good couples communication during the holidays:

Open and honest conversation: Discuss expectations, potential stressors, and preferred holiday activities with your partner to avoid misunderstandings.

Active listening: Pay full attention to your partner’s feelings and concerns without interrupting, and try to understand their perspective.

Expressing needs: Clearly communicate your own needs and desires regarding family visits, gift-giving, and holiday activities.

Setting boundaries: Establish limits on what you are comfortable with during the holidays, including time spent with certain family members or social events.

Checking in regularly: Make time to check in with your partner throughout the holiday season to see how they are feeling and address any concerns.

Compromise and flexibility: Be willing to adjust plans and expectations as needed to accommodate your partner’s needs.

Stress-reducing conversations: If feeling overwhelmed, have open conversations about managing holiday stress together.

What to avoid during holiday communication:

Making assumptions: Don’t assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling.

Being critical or judgmental: Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective rather than criticizing their choices.

Ignoring issues: Don’t sweep problems under the rug, address concerns promptly and openly.

Effective communication is the foundation of any strong relationship.

It allows partners to express their needs, understand each other, and build trust, ultimately leading to a deeper connection and the ability to navigate challenges together.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, is seeing clients virtually and in-person in West Hempstead, Long Island, New York. Contact her here.

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What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when an individual holds two or more conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. This inconsistency between what a person thinks and how they behave can cause discomfort, tension, or anxiety.

Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs.

The concept of cognitive dissonance was first introduced by social psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. Festinger proposed that people strive for internal consistency and that when they encounter conflicting information, they experience dissonance.

Types of Cognitive Dissonance

Pre-decision dissonance: occurs before making a decision, when an individual is torn between conflicting options.
Post-decision dissonance: occurs after making a decision, when an individual may question their choice.
Belief dissonance: occurs when an individual’s beliefs are challenged or contradicted.

Consequences of Cognitive Dissonance

Dissonance reduction: individuals may change their attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort caused by dissonance.
Rationalization: individuals may create justifications or excuses to alleviate the discomfort caused by dissonance.
Denial: individuals may refuse to acknowledge or accept the conflicting information.

Here are some examples of cognitive dissonance in relationships:

Romantic Relationships:

Staying in an abusive relationship: A person knows that their partner is abusive, but they stay in the relationship because they believe they love their partner or don’t want to be alone.
Ignoring infidelity: A person knows that their partner is cheating on them, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront the reality or lose the relationship.
Downplaying partner’s flaws: A person knows that their partner has significant flaws, but they downplay or justify them because they want to believe that their partner is perfect.

Friendships:

Ignoring a friend’s toxic behavior: A person knows that their friend is toxic or manipulative, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront their friend or lose the friendship.
Justifying a friend’s bad decisions: A person knows that their friend is making bad decisions, but they justify or enable them because they don’t want to be seen as judgmental.
Staying in a one-sided friendship: A person knows that their friendship is one-sided, but they stay in it because they don’t want to be alone or lose the friendship.

Family Relationships:

Ignoring a family member’s addiction: A person knows that a family member is struggling with addiction, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront the reality or cause conflict.
Justifying a family member’s abusive behavior: A person knows that a family member is abusive, but they justify or downplay it because they don’t want to confront the reality or cause conflict.
Staying in a toxic family dynamic: A person knows that their family dynamic is toxic, but they stay in it because they don’t want to be ostracized or lose their family.

Workplace Relationships:

Ignoring a coworker’s bullying behavior: A person knows that a coworker is bullying others, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront the reality or cause conflict.
Justifying a manager’s unfair treatment: A person knows that their manager is treating them unfairly, but they justify or downplay it because they don’t want to rock the boat or lose their job.
Staying in a toxic work environment: A person knows that their work environment is toxic, but they stay in it because they don’t want to lose their job or benefits.

By understanding cognitive dissonance, individuals can become more aware of their own thought processes and take steps to reduce discomfort and promote internal consistency.

For more information on counseling, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, NY.

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Conscious Dialogue example in Imago Relationship Therapy

Conscious dialogue within a marriage relationship refers to a mindful, intentional, and respectful communication style that fosters deeper understanding, empathy, and connection between partners.

Here are key elements:

Active listening: Fully present and attentive to each other.
Awareness: Recognizing emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.
Honesty: Authentic and transparent sharing.
Non-judgment: Avoiding criticism or assumption.
Empathy: Understanding and validating each other’s perspectives.
Clarity: Clear expression of needs, desires, and boundaries.

Benefits:

Deeper intimacy and connection.
Conflict resolution and prevention.
Increased trust and understanding.
Emotional intelligence growth.
Healthier communication patterns.

Practices:

Schedule regular, dedicated conversations.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
Ask open-ended questions.
Reflect and paraphrase to ensure understanding.
Show gratitude and appreciation.

By incorporating conscious dialogue, couples can strengthen their bond, navigate challenges effectively, cultivate emotional intelligence, and foster a supportive environment.

Conscious Dialogue example in Imago Relationship Therapy with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, New York:

Couples counseling involves a lot of communication, a conscious communication. Chana breaks down the fundamentals of how to talk, how to listen, and how to grow together as a couple for optimal long term success.

Would you like more information or specific tips?

For more info. on counseling, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

Offices in Cedarhurst, NY & West Hempstead, New York + Virtual Availability

How can a therapist mediate a married couple’s problems?

A therapist can mediate a married couple’s problems by using various techniques and strategies to facilitate effective communication, identify and address underlying issues, and promote a stronger, healthier relationship.

Here are some ways a therapist can help married couples:

Initial Steps:

Establish a neutral and supportive environment.
Set clear goals and expectations for therapy.
Conduct individual and joint sessions to understand each partner’s perspective.

Communication Strategies:

Active listening: Encourage each partner to listen attentively to the other, focusing on understanding rather than responding.
Reflective listening: Repeat back what each partner has said to ensure understanding and show empathy.
I-statements: Teach couples to express feelings and thoughts using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which can come across as accusatory.
Non-defensive communication: Help couples learn to respond without becoming defensive.

Identifying and Addressing Underlying Issues:

Identify patterns and cycles: Recognize negative patterns and cycles that contribute to conflicts.
Explore underlying emotions: Help couples understand and address underlying emotions, such as anger, hurt, or fear.
Uncover unresolved conflicts: Address unresolved issues and resentments.
Examine individual and shared values: Explore values, goals, and expectations.

Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution:

Collaborative problem-solving: Encourage couples to work together to find solutions.
Conflict resolution strategies: Teach effective conflict resolution techniques, such as compromise, forgiveness, and apologies.
Develop a conflict resolution plan: Create a plan for managing conflicts in the future.

Building Intimacy and Connection:

Emotional intimacy: Foster emotional closeness through vulnerability and empathy.
Communication exercises: Assign exercises to promote communication, such as sharing gratitude or appreciation.
Date nights: Encourage regular date nights to strengthen bonding.

Therapist’s Role:

Facilitate: Guide conversations and ensure both partners are heard.
Educate: Provide information on effective communication, conflict resolution, and relationship skills.
Support: Offer emotional support and encouragement.
Accountability: Hold couples accountable for their actions and commitments.

By using these techniques and strategies, a therapist can help a married couple:

Improve communication and conflict resolution skills.
Strengthen emotional intimacy and connection.
Address underlying issues and resentments.
Develop a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.

Keep in mind that every therapist has their unique approach, and the specific techniques used may vary depending on the therapist’s orientation and the couple’s needs.

For more information, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island.

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