Counseling with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW: Conflict Around In-Laws
Are you arguing about your parents or your partner’s parents a lot?
Do you try to talk about it, but end up always arguing instead?
Are there hurt feelings / unsaid things piling up on either side?
If so, you may be caught up in a negative cycle. It may be time to get help for your relationship before the hurts start to pile up. Healthy couples get help when conflict around in-laws becomes problematic.
Regardless of what’s causing the friction, couples report that long-term stress is a consequence of having difficulties with family members. There starts to be a dread of family gatherings for the distress and exchanges they can invite.
What can you do? Establish boundaries early.
You may need to start out with gentle reminders, as things are unlikely to change overnight.
This can be done compassionately, but firmly. Overall, your approach needs to be strict in consistently enforcing the boundaries you’ve drawn. If the situation allows, be friendly, tactful, straightforward, and respectful. Think of how you’d handle a disagreeable situation with a co-worker.
If, however, your in-laws continue to disrespect your boundaries and wishes, you may need to approach them with a little less tact. Think of a boss putting an employee in his place. No matter what, establish boundaries early.
A lot of couples will not draw their boundaries until they have to. You can avoid a great deal of heartache, disappointment, and distress by letting your limits be known early on.
I would love to help you sort through in-law difficulties in your relationship so you can have harmony within your family.
Let’s see how we can help you resolve these dilemmas and renew the love, trust, connection you long to have.
How do you deal with triggering events of divorce that occur when you don’t have a normal family and we’re coping with the emotions of being divorced, co-parenting, COVID-19, and all the related challenges? There’s always triggers from the outside world, so what’s your advice on that?
Part of that is PLANNING AHEAD.
For example, if there’s a holiday coming up, ask if you’re having the kids or not. Also, recognize what the triggers were last year or if this is new, realize what might be difficult for you. Figure out how to surround yourself with people who can support you the way you need.
Rather than pretending that everything’s going to be fine or telling yourself that you’ll just get through it, sometimes, just ask for help when you need it.
Invite yourself to some one else’s house so that you’re not alone rather than waiting for that person to call you or give you an invitation if you need to be around people.
Look at your calendar and really see what may be triggering to you / what might be difficult times?
Figure out who you have in your support network or who you can enlist in your support network if you don’t have the support you need yet.
Get in the mode of being OK asking for help.
Sometimes, we need help, and that is okay. When we actually ask or help, we’re letting the other person help us and that’s nourishing for both parties.
We also have triggers with communication. Especially communication with our former spouse. Can you talk a bit about that as well?
Well, that’s partly being responsible for our own reactivity. Making sure we’re not exhausted, annoyed, stressed, hungry or anything like that before talking with someone. We’re responsible for not being insulting.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we make appointments before speaking with someone so that we’re both present and respectful of each other’s time and availability. You simply just ask, “Is now a good time?”
Personal responsibility will affect the caliber of our communication with difficult people in our lives.
Too often we find people who point the finger and look to blame, and not look at the fact that there’s different ways to address the issues and those differences can make all the difference in the outcome.
Practice looking at yourself and thinking, what can I do differently? You can’t control any other person than yourself. So, how do you control yourself? How do you become aware of your own personal triggering events of divorce?
How people can best deal with the stigma, shame, insecurities, doubts & fears of feeling like a failure & other related emotions of being divorced.
What can you tell us about that?
So unfortunately, feeling like a failure and shame, they’re real…
It’s a public kind of demonstration where there’s a box that you have to check when you fill out basic applications. So really being aware of our feelings around that and our role in our marriage not working out. Rather than pretending that those feelings aren’t there, to deal with them and what were you responsible for in our relationship and how do we be proactive to manage those feelings differently.
Also really choosing to almost have like an invisible armor that if people give you a look, or certain judgments, be aware of that relationship space and that feeling of being judged and do we take that on or do we not?
We can consciously again be aware of our reactivity of us feeling like a failure, of us taking on the body language or choosing not to and saying, you know what, it didn’t work out and this is a new chapter and this is what I’m grateful for.
Or not having to give an explanation but really choosing do I participate in that energy or am I really comfortable with where am and it’s wasn’t what I wanted to happen, but at the same time, you know what? Here I am and I’m going to try to choose to move forward rather than getting stuck in that negativity, which doesn’t really serve us but it is there and pretending that it’s not, it’s hard.
I think in addition, we should be monitoring what we’re telling ourself because a lot of what’s behind those feelings of shame and blame and stigma or telling ourselves that we’re different, we don’t belong. We were a failure in our marriage or whatever that labeling is and that we can be very abusive to ourselves. Can we not?
Oh my gosh, we are our worst critics. Again, rather than pretending that those messages don’t go through our head, being aware, oh, there they are, and how am I choosing to show up differently? What are the positive messages that I want to give myself instead? I am lovable, I am successful, I am making healthy choices. We choose to be our own worst critic & maybe we want to show up differently.
Can I add another statement that something to the effect of, I’m still a good mother or father. Despite the divorce, I continue to be a valuable positive parent despite the divorce and reminding ourselves that the divorce does not judge my capability of parenting the children that I love.
Yes, 100%. When they quote the statistics about children of divorced parents, again that may be accurate to a certain extent, but they are individuals in this and how do we choose to show up given the knowledge that it is harder to parent when you have two separate households and what can we do differently rather than, well why bother because we’re divorced and I ruined everything.
Really thinking about how can we help show up as parents given that we do have two separate households and looking at the success cases. What are the success cases? Who does it well, I mean I had a friend who when it was not invoked, really demonstrated co-parenting beautifully that their divorce was not about, you know, I hate you, etc. It was really like, we are not good for each other, the energy is toxic and let’s parent our child the best that we can without fighting as much as possible. But let’s try to be on the same page. That’s really what’s best for the kids. So and it’s best for us too.
A diagnosis of infertility is truly heartbreaking.
After the initial shock and devastation, intense emotions may arise that alternate between rage, grief, jealousy, and denial. These emotions can be quite overwhelming, and it’s often difficult to get the support one needs from family and friends.
Regardless of the diagnosis, infertility is an unpredictable life crisis.
Infertility counseling can help sort out some of the concerns that arise during this period, and assist in making sense of the more complex emotional issues that may arise. It also provides a place to safely share all of your anxieties, fears, and thoughts without being judged.
Coping with infertility is hard, and needing help is 100% normal.
Infertility is often ranked as one of the most distressing life crises for women and couples experiencing it.
Consider infertility counseling if your sadness, depression, worrying, and/or anxiety is prolonged and affecting areas of your life. It is important to seek professional help in times of despair. A certified therapist can teach you coping skills and strategies to hopefully alleviate some of the emotional stress you are dealing with. You don’t have to do it alone. Talk to Chana today.
So unfortunately, feeling like a failure and shame, they’re real…