Category: Couples Therapy

3 Steps To Save Your Relationship When You’ve Drifted Too Far Apart

Don’t give up yet!

Most of us entered marriage with some sort of picture in our minds of how married life would be. For some individuals, the picture is very clear and easy to describe. For others, their ideal image of marriage won’t become clear until they begin to think about things that aren’t happening.

Things can slowly deteriorate, and learning how to save your marriage seems impossible. That’s when they realize they really did have expectations for what married life would be like.

Life happens! Within a few short years of getting married (and the time seems to pass very rapidly), our time and energy are taken up by many things.

Once children are born, they have many needs; and as they develop, they get involved in lots of activities that take up parental time — shopping for them, helping with homework, arranging doctor appointments, attending concerts, school events, recitals, and so on. Even with the best intentions and with determined intentionality, it can still be difficult for couples to maintain closeness, intimacy and enough time together to grow the relationship.

If this is descriptive of your life, you may find yourself wondering if this will ever change, and if your marriage has a chance to make it long-term.

The answer is, “yes, your marriage can last!” if you take some of the following steps:

1. Take time to think.

Take some time with the following questions, and write down your main conclusions so they are not forgotten and evaluate your relationship.

Depending on your personality and thought patterns, you may be able to do this while driving or involved in an activity, or you may need to have time alone with no distractions. You know what works best for you.

Ask yourself this: Just how bad does it feel to be in your relationship right now Does it feel simply like you are drifting apart, but it could easily be fixed? Does it seem like you are living as roommates? Do you find that you are arguing way more than ever before? Do you or does your spouse seem to have tons of anger and resentment which make it difficult to ever engage in meaningful conversation?

Come up with a number on a 1-5 scale regarding your relationship. You are a 1 if it feels like it could easily be fixed, and you are a 5 if there is a ton of resentment and someone has dropped the “D” bomb (divorce).

Think about the approachability of your spouse. As stated earlier, “Life happens!” Think about what is happening in life right now. If either one of you is under undue stress or facing gargantuan deadlines, it may be better to postpone an intervention or to carefully plan it out. However, don’t put it off for long, or it may never get done until it is too late.

2. Take time to plan.

Based on your evaluation of things, it is now time to plan your next steps. This step may take some time, depending on how damaged you feel, and how damaged you believe your marriage is at this point. If you are a 4 or 5 on the relationship scale, you may have difficulty believing that things can be any different than the current status.

Here are some things to think through and jot down:

  • What do I want? You don’t like things the way they are, so what DO you want? Even if it does not seem possible, at least think through and answer this question: “What do I want in our marriage?”
  • What do I need? This could be another version of the previous question, or it could have a different answer. However, think it through and write it down. What does my spouse want? You have been married for a while, so put on your thinking cap. Write out what you believe your spouse wants in your marriage that is not there right now. The answer to this one may be as simple as making a list of the common complaints you hear from your spouse.
  • What does my spouse need? This can be a very different answer from what they want. You know this person; you know their life, their personality and the way they approach life and the stresses of life.

What are the top 2 or 3 things that you KNOW would be helpful to your spouse RIGHT NOW with the things being faced in life?

Strategize how to discuss these things with your spouse. If things are going to change either way, for the better or for worse, someone needs to try to get things out on the table where they can be discussed. If the two of you have not had much success in attempting discussions of this type, then you need to do it in a different way than you have in the past.

You could discuss this with a friend to get some input, but be careful in doing this. Your spouse may not like the fact that someone else knows the struggles you are facing, and you don’t want to discuss it with a person who has trouble keeping confidences.

If you are involved in a religious community, try turning to someone who has been a mentor or adviser in the past. The goal is to come up with a way of entering into a discussion regarding your evaluation of the relationship and determine how to change it for the better.

3. Take time to act.

At some point in time you will need to suck in some air, say a prayer, and initiate the discussion. When you do this, do not be surprised if things take off in directions that you never expected. In fact, you should be prepared for this and fight the tendency to defend yourself.

If you want to understand how to save your relationship, you have to take time to think this through. Your preparation should mean that the emotional edge has been taken off of your presentation, and it is now a little more factual than it was at first. Your spouse has not had the time to do that, so strap yourself in and hang on and allow for some emotion to be blown off at first.

Let your spouse know you have been thinking about things they may want in the relationship. When you give them the list of things you thought would be important to them, ask what you missed and allow time for the discussion.

Tell your spouse that in addition to wants they may have, you believe there are also things they need. Make it clear how you will be able to help with those needs.

These are some initial steps in addressing a relationship that is drifting apart. Don’t expect to solve everything in one discussion, and don’t be too hurt or let down if there is little to no change in your first attempt at this.

Save Your Relationship * Chana Pfeifer, LCSW * The Happier Me

Both of you are caught up in life as it has been for a while. You both have patterns to your day, week and month. Even if you both want to make small or even major changes, it may not be possible for a period of time. Appointments, meetings and activities tend to get scheduled far ahead, so try to bear in mind that it can take weeks and even months to free up time and energy to do something as important as investing in each other again.

Save Your Relationship

Don’t give up. If you’d like more info. on couples or individual counseling, contact me today.

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Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.

marriage problemsLearn the skills to sustain a strong, emotionally healthy, and loving marriage.

Marriage rescue for couples facing marriage problems…

When couples first contact me for marriage help, they typically feel distressed and even hopeless about their relationship. If they can look back and remember earlier good times however, that usually signals a marriage that can be saved. In fact, this kind of marriage has potential to become the kind of partnership the couple had hoped for when they said, “I do.”

What transitions couples from desperation about their difficulties to delight in sharing their lives together?

Here’s the 8-step pathway along which I guide my therapy clients, and which you are welcome to take as well:

1. Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements, including the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear that talking might lead to arguing.

Your self-help treatment will be complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions to all of these issues, and also have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

If the list seems interminable because you fight about everything from time of day, to where to live, odds are the problem is less that you are facing some challenging differences, and more that your manner of talking with each other needs a major upgrade.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself. Attempts to get your partner to change invite defensiveness. No one likes being told they’re doing things wrong or, far worse, that they are a bad person. Better by far for both of you each to use your energies and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently.

Here’s a question that can get you started. What would enable you to stay loving and good-humored even if the frustrating pieces in your spouse’s repertoire never get an upgrade? That’s how to become “self-centered” in the best sense. If both of you are seeking to do your own upgrades, the marriage will blossom.

3. Cut the crap (pardon my language). The point is that negative muck that you give each other is totally unhelpful. It only taints a positive relationship. That means no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, mean digs, snide remarks.

No more anger escalations either. Stay in the calm zone. Exit early and often if either of you is beginning to get heated. Learn to calm yourself, and then re-engage cooperatively.

Research psychologist John Gottman has found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5 to 1. Do you want to barely survive? Or do you want to save the marriage in a way that will make it thrive? If thriving is your goal, aim for 100,000,000:1. That means, don’t sling mud at all. Cut the crap.

4. Learn how to express concerns constructively. A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following sentence-starter options. In my clinical work I give couples a handout that includes these starter phrases. I encourage them to use the handout frequently, checking how to start each comment that might be sensitive or on topics that they know could be prickly.

I feel (followed by a one-word feeling such as anxious, sad, etc) …

My concern is ………..

I would like to … [note, NEVER use “I would like you to ….”]

How would you feel about that? or, What’s your thoughts on that?

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively. I call collaborative decision-making the “win-win waltz.”

Win-win decision-making aims for a plan of action that pleases you both. No more insistence designed to “get your way.” Instead, when you have differences, quietly express your underlying concerns, listen calmly to understand your partner’s concerns, and then create a solution responsive to all the concerns of both of you.

Practice this skill-set on all the issues you listed in step 1. You may be amazed to discover that, even on issues that seemed intractable, you will be able to co-create solutions that will work for both of you.

6. Eliminate the three A’s that ruin marriages.

Affairs, Addictions & Anger are deal-breakers.

They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage. Fix the habit or game over.

If you or your spouse has these problems, saving this kind of marriage could be a mistaken goal. Better to end a marriage than to continue a marriage with these hurtful habits.

Better yet is for each of you to figure out what you can do differently in the future. The one with the A-habit needs to figure out how to end it. The partner needs to heal, and also to learn alternatives to tolerating the habit.

Most importantly, especially if you have children who need you to learn how to be more emotionally healthy as individuals and as a couple, is for the two of you both to commit to building a new kind of marriage.

That is, end the old marriage. Build a new one with the same partner. Build a marriage where there are zero affairs, addictions or excessive anger and instead, abounding love and trust.

7. Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner.

Smile more. Touch more. Hug more. More “eye kisses.” More sex. More shared time and shared projects. More appreciation. More dwelling on what you like about your partner.

Respond more often with agreement in response to things your partner says that in the past you might have answered with “But…”.

Listening is loving, especially when you are listening to take in information, not to show what’s wrong with what your partner says or to show that you know more.

Help out more. Give more praise and more gratitude. Do more fun activities together. Laugh and joke more, do new things and go new places together.

The best things in life really are free. And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get!

I wrote above about Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Increasing the positives is every bit as important as decreasing negatives to hit a 100,000,000:1 ratio.

8. Look back at your parents’ marriage strengths and weaknesses. Decide what you want to do differently.

When people marry they bring along a recording in their head of how their parents treated each other, and also how they were treated by their parents.

These relationships are where folks learn patterns of interacting for intimate relationships. Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do differently.

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To learn more about couples therapy with Chana Pfeifer, click here.

Lack of Sleep can Cause Relationship Problems

It’s not just fighting that can tear a relationship apart — lack of sleep can also contribute to problems between you and your partner (not to mention, your health!)

Lack of Sleep - Couples Counseling Long Island, NY

Your marriage has been through it’s ups and downs. Over the years, you’ve shared your secrets, your dreams, and one bathroom, which has brought you closer and made your relationship stronger. But there is a force out there that threatens to dismantle everything you’ve worked towards. An unfortunate occurrence that has been known to cause misery since the beginning of time: lack of sleep. But all joking aside, the ways sleep deprivation affects your marriage can be serious, but it’s nothing you and your partner can’t handle.

Lack of Sleep Raises Inflammation Levels

A new study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology says that not getting enough Z’s can raise inflammation levels, and this, when paired with spousal fights, can lead to marital stress and a decline in health.

“Part of the issue in a marriage is that sleep patterns often track together. If one person is restless or has chronic problems, that can impact the other’s sleep. If these problems persist over time, you can get this nasty reverberation within the couple,”

Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, senior author and director of the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research.

And if the couple has children, there’s potential for sleep interruption from the moment a baby is born and for several years afterwards.

Anyone ever pick a fight with you when you haven’t had enough shut eye?

Then you know that those arguments aren’t always the prettiest sight. In an study published in the journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers found that couples have more conflicts occur from sleep deprivation, even when only one of them is short on sleep. This study also found that tired couples had less empathy for one another when trying to reach conflict resolution.

Use this as a reason to team up and investigate the problem – together.

Choosing between losing sleep and sleeping apart can be difficult, but there is a third choice: to seek help together as a couple.

If anything, having a spouse there to bring attention to repeated snoring, can actually help identify if there’s an actual health issue that needs to be addressed. So why not work on this problem together?

Contact Chana today for more information on couples therapy.

Infertility Counseling

A diagnosis of infertility is truly heartbreaking.

After the initial shock and devastation, intense emotions may arise that alternate between rage, grief, jealousy, and denial. These emotions can be quite overwhelming, and it’s often difficult to get the support one needs from family and friends.

Regardless of the diagnosis, infertility is an unpredictable life crisis.

Infertility counseling can help sort out some of the concerns that arise during this period, and assist in making sense of the more complex emotional issues that may arise. It also provides a place to safely share all of your anxieties, fears, and thoughts without being judged.

Coping with infertility is hard, and needing help is 100% normal.

Infertility is often ranked as one of the most distressing life crises for women and couples experiencing it.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW - infertility counselingConsider infertility counseling if your sadness, depression, worrying, and/or anxiety is prolonged and affecting areas of your life. It is important to seek professional help in times of despair. A certified therapist can teach you coping skills and strategies to hopefully alleviate some of the emotional stress you are dealing with. You don’t have to do it alone. Talk to Chana today.

For more info. on counseling, call (516) 592-1107 or email Chana Pfeifer, LCSW today.

Certified Imago Therapist

See me and hear me.. Make it safe.

Often this is the beginning of what is missing..

certified imago therapist

It’s hard to ask for help and being in a relationship can be tricky.

I appreciate people who are brave to say, “I need help with my life”, “I want to change my life”, or “I am unhappy”.

I can help transform your hopes into action.

You CAN change your life… if you have the will and desire to do so. There are no guarantees, and the work can be daunting. But if you are willing to work, together we can find a way.

As a certified Imago therapist, I help couples and individuals establish new, healthy patterns and break long-standing dysfunctional patterns.

I encourage owning your responsibility in your life. I take a holistic approach and am solution-based. I give life-changing tools leading to eventual independence. I use practical tools so couples can communicate effectively, whether you stay together or not.

As a certified Imago therapist, I love what I do. My specialty is relationships. I deal with a variety of people, whether it is navigating couples’ challenging relationships, separation, blended families, or geriatrics. I feel the variety of many issues keeps my skills sharp.

Counseling for Conscious Couples – Long Island, New York

Dealing with Jealousy in Relationships

Dealing with Jealousy in RelationshipsIf you are in a relationship, it is natural to feel a little jealous at times, especially if you have very strong feelings for your partner.

Occasional jealousy is okay and may even add a little excitement and zest to the relationship. But what to do when this jealousy becomes more frequent, intense and even overwhelming?

Today more than ever before, people are afraid of being rejected, not accepted, not being loved and worry about losing people they care for. These feelings of loss are natural. Yet, when thoughts and feelings of jealousy are extreme, they stem partially as a result of insecurities. When fear lessens, so does jealousy.

Most of us have felt it at one time or another. It could be a mild annoyance or a fire inside you, consuming you, making you feel like you might explode. Although it is a common emotional reaction when a person is feeling threatened, jealousy is one of biggest relationship destroyers out there.

The foundation of any healthy and happy relationship is trust and respect. A person struggling with jealousy is unable to trust the person they are with or show respect for them as an individual or their boundaries.

Overtime this behavior will destroy the feelings of love and affection that once existed. It will also likely cause repeated arguing and a need for one partner to prove themselves and their loyalty over and over again. This can be exhausting and prevent a relationship from growing and establishing a solid foundation.

If you have found that jealousy is a problem in your relationship, whether it is you that are jealous or your partner, it can be painful for both of you. Getting beyond it will take patience, communication and changing of beliefs.

Jealousy in Relationships: If overcoming jealous feelings and behaviors on your own isn’t working, don’t discount seeking help!

Marriage Counseling

Relationships Built On Trust

Love Trust HonestyA healthy marriage is built on a strong foundation of trust, however it’s not an easy topic to discuss. You may feel pressured into saying, “Yes, I trust you” but if you do have sincere concerns, now is the time to discuss them. There is no room for doubt between a husband and wife.

Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them, and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something that two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to trust each other.

A few questions to ask your partner if trust is an issue in your relationship:

  • Do you trust me?
  • Is there anything you feel you can’t trust me with?
  • Have you ever felt the need to check my phone?
  • Have I ever done anything to lose your trust?
  • If you don’t trust me, what are steps I can take to regain it?

Imago Relationship Counseling

social worker Long IslandSometimes, it can be very hard to overcome disagreements and you two might feel stuck – not knowing how or when to communicate to get past it.

Intervention can mean all the difference in saving a marriage or letting the ship sink!

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

In marriage counseling, the therapist will try to teach you and your spouse certain crucial communication skills. Most domestic problems are the result of not being able to communicate your point of view to your partner effectively, but therapy can help resolve that as you are given the opportunity to speak your mind freely.

The therapist will then help you look at both the negative and positive aspects of your relationship, so that you can focus on the good and work on strategies to deal with the bad.

You will also learn new communication skills that will teach you how to talk to your partner without offending him/her, and will be given opportunities to discuss your differences in a controlled manner.

Marriage Counseling Long Island

If you are searching for an expert marriage counselor in the Long Island area, contact Chana Pfeifer.

Counseling for Conscious Couples