First, a quick note – Jealousy and envy are different concepts, despite the terms often being used interchangeably in daily speech.
Envy is the state of desiring something that another has. Jealousy is desiring to keep something or someone all to yourself, and involves a third party.
For example, if you wish you could sleep 16 hours a day and sit in the window, you are envious of your cat. However, if you don’t want other people to pet your cat because you feel he belongs to you or it will undermine your bond with your cat, you are jealous of your cat. The following piece deals with the role of jealousy in relationships.
A certain level of jealousy can be normal in a relationship, especially for individuals who have had issues with past partners failing to be faithful. Indeed, many people believe that it is a sign of love, and evolutionary psychologists consider it to be a valuable emotion that can signal danger to an important relationship.
However, jealousy can undermine a trusting relationship and leave your partner feeling overwhelmed and trapped, limiting your ability to have a healthy relationship.
Many relationship therapists report that romantic jealousy is a leading cause of their clients’ relationship problems.
Studies have shown that feelings of being jealous can be linked to low self-esteem, dependence on one’s partner, feelings of inadequacy, an anxious attachment style, or even neuroticism.
Absent a history of behaviors that warrant a partner’s jealousy, you should know that a partner’s jealousy reflects their insecurities, not any adequacy of yours. When confronted with unwarranted jealousy, a healthy, relationship-building strategy is to assure your partner that you remain interested in and attracted to them.
If you find yourself feeling jealousy toward your partner, stop and re-evaluate your behaviors. Work on building your self-confidence in order to feel more secure in your relationship. Avoid going through your partner’s social media or electronic devices—your mind can begin to draw patterns and extrapolate details creating things to be jealous of that aren’t really there.
Communicating calmly with your partner, in a manner directed at developing a solution to your jealousy, can also be an effective strategy.
The great irony of unwarranted jealousy is that it can drive an otherwise-satisfied partner away. Jealous behaviors, left unchecked, can undermine the trust in a relationship and hinder the ability to express love. Taken to extremes, it can lead to angry, even violent outbursts.
Jealousy is not limited to romantic relationships. It can also arise between friends or siblings, and can endanger harmony within the family unit.
If you believe that jealousy—whether yours, your partner’s, or otherwise—is negatively affecting your relationship, professional therapy can help guide a productive conversation to address these potentially problematic feelings within your relationship.