Author: Christine

Mental abuse isn’t just calling someone names…

Mental abuse isn’t just calling someone names…

It’s also ignoring them, invalidating their feelings, giving them the silent treatment, and saying things that make them doubt themselves and their own reality. It is neglecting and not considering their feelings and basically treating a person like they don’t count.

It is as damaging as physical abuse, if not more.

Mental abuse encompasses a range of manipulative and controlling behaviors that aim to undermine a person’s self-esteem, sense of reality, and overall well-being, often through tactics like gaslighting, isolation, constant criticism, threats, and intimidation, even without using explicit insults.

Key points about mental abuse:

Beyond words: While verbal abuse (including name-calling) can be a part of mental abuse, it can also manifest through non-verbal actions like ignoring, silent treatment, constant belittling, or undermining someone’s opinions.

Manipulation and control: A primary goal of mental abuse is to manipulate and control the victim by making them feel dependent on the abuser, questioning their own sanity, or isolating them from support networks.

Impact on mental health: Mental abuse can significantly harm a person’s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.

Examples of abuse beyond name-calling:

Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perceptions and memories by denying reality or twisting situations.

Trivializing feelings: Dismissing someone’s emotions as “overreacting” or “being too sensitive”.

Public humiliation: Embarrassing someone in front of others through criticism or put-downs.

Threats and intimidation: Using threats of harm, leaving, or self-harm to control someone’s behavior.

Isolation tactics: Discouraging someone from spending time with friends and family.

Constant criticism: Finding fault with almost everything someone does, even when seemingly minor.

If you find yourself in an abusive situation of any kind, reach out for guidance and support in navigating next steps.

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Tips for Couples Communication During the Holidays

During the holidays, couples communication should focus on open and honest dialogue, active listening, setting clear boundaries, expressing needs, and checking in with each other regularly to navigate potential stressors and ensure both partners feel heard and supported throughout the festive season.

Key aspects of good couples communication during the holidays:

Open and honest conversation: Discuss expectations, potential stressors, and preferred holiday activities with your partner to avoid misunderstandings.

Active listening: Pay full attention to your partner’s feelings and concerns without interrupting, and try to understand their perspective.

Expressing needs: Clearly communicate your own needs and desires regarding family visits, gift-giving, and holiday activities.

Setting boundaries: Establish limits on what you are comfortable with during the holidays, including time spent with certain family members or social events.

Checking in regularly: Make time to check in with your partner throughout the holiday season to see how they are feeling and address any concerns.

Compromise and flexibility: Be willing to adjust plans and expectations as needed to accommodate your partner’s needs.

Stress-reducing conversations: If feeling overwhelmed, have open conversations about managing holiday stress together.

What to avoid during holiday communication:

Making assumptions: Don’t assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling.

Being critical or judgmental: Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective rather than criticizing their choices.

Ignoring issues: Don’t sweep problems under the rug, address concerns promptly and openly.

Effective communication is the foundation of any strong relationship.

It allows partners to express their needs, understand each other, and build trust, ultimately leading to a deeper connection and the ability to navigate challenges together.

Chana Pfeifer, LCSW, is seeing clients virtually and in-person in West Hempstead, Long Island, New York. Contact her here.

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What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when an individual holds two or more conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. This inconsistency between what a person thinks and how they behave can cause discomfort, tension, or anxiety.

Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs.

The concept of cognitive dissonance was first introduced by social psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. Festinger proposed that people strive for internal consistency and that when they encounter conflicting information, they experience dissonance.

Types of Cognitive Dissonance

  • Pre-decision dissonance: occurs before making a decision, when an individual is torn between conflicting options.
  • Post-decision dissonance: occurs after making a decision, when an individual may question their choice.
  • Belief dissonance: occurs when an individual’s beliefs are challenged or contradicted.

Consequences of Cognitive Dissonance

  • Dissonance reduction: individuals may change their attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort caused by dissonance.
  • Rationalization: individuals may create justifications or excuses to alleviate the discomfort caused by dissonance.
  • Denial: individuals may refuse to acknowledge or accept the conflicting information.

Here are some examples of cognitive dissonance in relationships:

Romantic Relationships:

  • Staying in an abusive relationship: A person knows that their partner is abusive, but they stay in the relationship because they believe they love their partner or don’t want to be alone.
  • Ignoring infidelity: A person knows that their partner is cheating on them, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront the reality or lose the relationship.
  • Downplaying partner’s flaws: A person knows that their partner has significant flaws, but they downplay or justify them because they want to believe that their partner is perfect.

Friendships:

  • Ignoring a friend’s toxic behavior: A person knows that their friend is toxic or manipulative, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront their friend or lose the friendship.
  • Justifying a friend’s bad decisions: A person knows that their friend is making bad decisions, but they justify or enable them because they don’t want to be seen as judgmental.
  • Staying in a one-sided friendship: A person knows that their friendship is one-sided, but they stay in it because they don’t want to be alone or lose the friendship.

Family Relationships:

  • Ignoring a family member’s addiction: A person knows that a family member is struggling with addiction, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront the reality or cause conflict.
  • Justifying a family member’s abusive behavior: A person knows that a family member is abusive, but they justify or downplay it because they don’t want to confront the reality or cause conflict.
  • Staying in a toxic family dynamic: A person knows that their family dynamic is toxic, but they stay in it because they don’t want to be ostracized or lose their family.

Workplace Relationships:

  • Ignoring a coworker’s bullying behavior: A person knows that a coworker is bullying others, but they ignore it because they don’t want to confront the reality or cause conflict.
  • Justifying a manager’s unfair treatment: A person knows that their manager is treating them unfairly, but they justify or downplay it because they don’t want to rock the boat or lose their job.
  • Staying in a toxic work environment: A person knows that their work environment is toxic, but they stay in it because they don’t want to lose their job or benefits.
By understanding cognitive dissonance, individuals can become more aware of their own thought processes and take steps to reduce discomfort and promote internal consistency.

For more information on counseling, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, NY.

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Conscious Dialogue example in Imago Relationship Therapy

Conscious dialogue within a marriage relationship refers to a mindful, intentional, and respectful communication style that fosters deeper understanding, empathy, and connection between partners.

Here are key elements:

  • Active listening: Fully present and attentive to each other.
  • Awareness: Recognizing emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.
  • Honesty: Authentic and transparent sharing.
  • Non-judgment: Avoiding criticism or assumption.
  • Empathy: Understanding and validating each other’s perspectives.
  • Clarity: Clear expression of needs, desires, and boundaries.

Benefits:

  • Deeper intimacy and connection.
  • Conflict resolution and prevention.
  • Increased trust and understanding.
  • Emotional intelligence growth.
  • Healthier communication patterns.

Practices:

  • Schedule regular, dedicated conversations.
  • Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
  • Ask open-ended questions.
  • Reflect and paraphrase to ensure understanding.
  • Show gratitude and appreciation.

By incorporating conscious dialogue, couples can strengthen their bond, navigate challenges effectively, cultivate emotional intelligence, and foster a supportive environment.

Conscious Dialogue example in Imago Relationship Therapy with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, New York:

Couples counseling involves a lot of communication, a conscious communication. Chana breaks down the fundamentals of how to talk, how to listen, and how to grow together as a couple for optimal long term success.

Would you like more information or specific tips?

For more info. on counseling, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW.

Offices in Cedarhurst, NY & West Hempstead, New York + Virtual Availability

How can a therapist mediate a married couple’s problems?

A therapist can mediate a married couple’s problems by using various techniques and strategies to facilitate effective communication, identify and address underlying issues, and promote a stronger, healthier relationship.

Here are some ways a therapist can help married couples:

Initial Steps:

  • Establish a neutral and supportive environment.
  • Set clear goals and expectations for therapy.
  • Conduct individual and joint sessions to understand each partner’s perspective.

Communication Strategies:

  • Active listening: Encourage each partner to listen attentively to the other, focusing on understanding rather than responding.
  • Reflective listening: Repeat back what each partner has said to ensure understanding and show empathy.
  • I-statements: Teach couples to express feelings and thoughts using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which can come across as accusatory.
  • Non-defensive communication: Help couples learn to respond without becoming defensive.

Identifying and Addressing Underlying Issues:

  • Identify patterns and cycles: Recognize negative patterns and cycles that contribute to conflicts.
  • Explore underlying emotions: Help couples understand and address underlying emotions, such as anger, hurt, or fear.
  • Uncover unresolved conflicts: Address unresolved issues and resentments.
  • Examine individual and shared values: Explore values, goals, and expectations.

Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution:

  • Collaborative problem-solving: Encourage couples to work together to find solutions.
  • Conflict resolution strategies: Teach effective conflict resolution techniques, such as compromise, forgiveness, and apologies.
  • Develop a conflict resolution plan: Create a plan for managing conflicts in the future.

Building Intimacy and Connection:

  • Emotional intimacy: Foster emotional closeness through vulnerability and empathy.
  • Communication exercises: Assign exercises to promote communication, such as sharing gratitude or appreciation.
  • Date nights: Encourage regular date nights to strengthen bonding.

Therapist’s Role:

  • Facilitate: Guide conversations and ensure both partners are heard.
  • Educate: Provide information on effective communication, conflict resolution, and relationship skills.
  • Support: Offer emotional support and encouragement.
  • Accountability: Hold couples accountable for their actions and commitments.

By using these techniques and strategies, a therapist can help a married couple:

  • Improve communication and conflict resolution skills.
  • Strengthen emotional intimacy and connection.
  • Address underlying issues and resentments.
  • Develop a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.

Keep in mind that every therapist has their unique approach, and the specific techniques used may vary depending on the therapist’s orientation and the couple’s needs.

For more information, contact Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island.

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Creating a Safety Plan for Leaving an Abusive Partner

A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan to help improve your wellbeing while experiencing abuse, preparing to leave an abusive situation, or after you leave. Take some time to go through each part of this safety plan for leaving an abusive partner.

Your safety plan should include the following:

  • Friends, family, colleagues, social workers that you can confidentially speak to about the abuse. These people can be told about the abuse and you can notify them if you need help. They can be advised in advance of who to call / what to do if you need help. (Example: call police if I’m afraid for my safety). My code word for family / friends to know I need help is… I will share this word with them and let them know what it means if / when I use it.
  • Non-safe people you shouldn’t say anything about your situation to.
    This list includes people who would potentially tell your abusive partner/spouse about your plans to leave. They will ultimately get in the way of your exit, or make your child’s experience more challenging.
  • If you had to leave home in an emergency, what safe place can you go to? This can be a nearby police station, church, store, restaurant, or any other place that’s open and has people around. These are places you can go to if you need to leave immediately or without much preparation.
  • Places to call if in danger: 911, domestic violence hotlines, housing shelters, social workers.
  • Essential items to take with you if you decide to leave. If you need to get away quickly, pack a bag and hide it either in the home (if you feel safe doing so) or keep it somewhere else or with someone else. Items to consider collecting are: Identification (driver’s license, school ID, military ID, immigration documents), Cell Phone / Charger, Medication, Cash, ATM card, House Key, Car Key, Clothes, Comfort Items (favorite stuffed animal or photograph), Baby Supplies (formula, diaper, wipes, change of clothes), Copy of Protection/Restraining Order, Child’s Birth Certificate, Health Insurance Card
  • Establish financial autonomy before leaving, if possible. Save enough money to get your own place, get a credit card / checking account in your own name. Even if you don’t have a job yet, open a savings account. This step should be done with as much confidentiality as possible to not alert your partner of your plans.
  • Get your own phone that your abusive partner does not have access to or knowledge of. Get a throw-away phone and hide it if necessary. Tracking messages is just one way technology can be used by an ill-intentioned romantic partner to monitor, intimidate, and control you — and they don’t have to be a tech wizard to manipulate it. If an abuser gets access to your phone, they can unassumingly squirm into every aspect of your digital life, from private messages to location history. If you have the means, buy a prepaid burner phone (a phone with minimal voice or data services, which are designed to be used sparingly and should not be attached to any shared credit cards) with cash, so you can contact your support network without being tracked.
  • Go through your social media. Have you shared passwords to any accounts with your partner? Be sure to think about all of your online accounts such as Facebook, email, website, WiFi, instant messaging, online banking, home security networks, etc.. Be sure to change the passwords, emails associated, and maybe the profile pictures as well. Or you can start new social profiles to make sure there’s no overlap. You should secure your accounts to prevent further access. You can do this by setting up security measures like two-factor authentication, which requires access to a specific physical device to log in to accounts. But first, it’s a good idea to sign up for a new email address. With access to your email, an abuser can capture password-reset notices, create custom filters to hide messages, or gain access to any details you change.
  • Childcare options – who could watch your children if you need childcare in an emergency? What word/phrase can you use as a code between you & your children to let them know that they need to call for help?
  • Practice ahead of time & rehearse your escape plan so you know it like the back of your hand. If you have kids who are old enough to understand, teach them what to do when the time comes.
REMEMBER: You are the expert in your own situation. It can also be helpful to start this process with a social worker that you trust.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, you can reach out to me to discuss your safety plan for leaving an abusive partner. For more information on counseling, call (516) 592-1107.

First Date Musts

First Date Musts (by Jay Shetty on the Lisa Bilyeu Show)

Jay Shetty has joined Lisa to discuss his latest book, 8 Rules of Love which includes so much more than just 8 rules. Jay Shetty shares the lessons and experiences he’s picked up from his marriage and time coaching others on how to have deeper and more meaningful relationships.

First Date Musts – The Most Important Questions You MUST Ask Your Partner

The early days in a brand new relationship really make a difference in who you choose as a long term partner.

A great quote from this video:  “We’re holding onto a particular picture of love. We have an image of what love is and don’t have an image of what it could be or how it grows.”

These 3 date rules (by Jay Shetty) don’t have to be done in any particular order, as long as they’re researched ahead of commitment / marriage.

3 Date Research:

1. DO I LIKE THIS PERSON’S PERSONALITY?

Do I get along with this person? Do I like their company? Are they interesting and fun to hang out with? Are you willing to spend 200+ hours with this person?

Most of the time on a first date, we’re more likely to be focused on if the other person likes us. Instead, we should be evaluating how they make us feel when around them, or if we share the same morals or life outlooks.

2. DO I RESPECT THEIR VALUES?

We don’t often understand our partner’s true values until much later. (This is why premarital counseling is so essential. Find more info. about my premarital therapy here.) We may not prioritize things in the same way.

What do they care about the most? You can find this out by listening to what they talk about the most. They’ll show you what they care about. Also, make a list of your own priorities.

3. Am I committed to helping them achieve their goals?

Am I ready (at any level) to help this person achieve their goals? Am I willing to be there with them and cheer them on? Do I want to see them and support them in attaining their dreams?

These 3 first date questions will help you assess who’s right for you.

If you’re looking for more information on talk therapy/counseling, contact me today.

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Find a partner who…

“Find a partner who not only wants to love you right, but is also emotionally prepared to create a home.

Your natural attraction is just the beginning, you both know that the health of your relationship is directly linked to your personal growth and the healing of old reactive patterns.

Internally, you both feel ready to share the work of love and to build a culture of calm communication.

The way you laugh as one, and handle storms with gentleness helps you cultivate a nurturing environment.

You understand that you each have your own identity that moves like a river ~ always changing, expanding, and evolving, but the beauty of your love rests on the fact that you have both intentionally decided to flow together, side by side.”

– find a partner quote by Diego Perez, instagram @yung_pueblo

#1 NYT Bestselling Author
New Book: The Way Forward ☀️
Co-Founder @wisdomventures
info@yungpueblo.com
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Is it normal for love to change?  It’s completely normal for romantic relationships to change and evolve over time. All relationships go through different phases (like the infatuation-filled honeymoon phase) as well as ups and downs. It’s not only possible to cope with these changes, but also to embrace and even appreciate them. (source)

Brief Meditation Before Marital Counseling with Chana Pfeifer

Brief Meditation Before Imago Marital Counseling with Chana Pfeifer, LCSW in Long Island, New York

Before starting Imago relationship therapy with a married couple in NY, Chana Pfeifer gives them a couple of minutes to breathe, connect, and center themselves into the present moment. This gives both people a chance to ground themselves and get into their intentions with the therapy session.

Brief Meditation:  One thing I appreciate about you as my partner/spouse/husband/wife is…..

Awareness and communication are what makes a connected relationship work. If you feel you are having difficulty communicating with your partner, it would be beneficial to have a therapist guide you in the process.

Sometimes, couples become so emotionally disconnected and stuck in negative patterns that it is difficult to talk openly and honestly. If this feels like you, then reaching out to a professional social worker could be a great step toward having a connected relationship.

Chana Pfeifer is currently seeing clients through telehealth virtual platforms and in-person in Nassau County, Long Island.

For additional information on counseling, call (516) 592-1107

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